I have many things on my mind,
but one thing seems to stand out. It’s one thing I’ve observed in my environment,
especially amidst the super religious. Being a devoted person in a way, I can’t
help but check if I’m not like I’ve observed of recent, because it is written- ‘remove
the log in your own eyes before you
remove the speck in your neighbour’s
eyes’ (paraphrased).
Recently, I encountered a man in
his 70s who is so religious and would sometimes go to great lengths to make
everyone around him comfortable. He would preach to them, laugh with them and
talk about life with them. Meanwhile, when the last door closes from the last
visitor who leaves, he’s sunk into his usual mood- a depressed mood. For him,
it comes as a feeling of loneliness and the thought of not having someone to
share life with on a permanent basis- one who could be his wife, as well as a
friend, especially for the fact that he’s been separated from his wife for over
10years.
He hid his feelings well from
people, no one ever knew until something happened that brought out the feelings,
and the next thing this old man did was burst into tears. Everyone was surprised.
For this was the very man who would go above and beyond for people, trying his
best to make people feel loved, and of course, talk about his religion for a
long time, with a seeming solace in the act. Turned out he’s been contemplating
a form of suicide behind close door. He’s been living in self-denial for so
long, especially about the things he really wanted. His pride as a religious
person and ego as someone respected by people had kept him from acknowledging,
and eventually dealing with his feelings as warranted.
If you would indulge me, I would
say self-denial is a very bad and deadly habit; it can turn one into a corpse, even
though alive. It makes growth impossible and makes reflection a hard one (if at
all it leaves any room for it). Self-denial appears as though one is living
above one’s feelings, but in the end, poses more harm to the soul than perceieved
good. It is like sweeping dirt under the carpet: one day, the carpet would be
full and there would be no more place to dump dirts again; meanwhile, the ones
already piled up underneath already are causing some forms of damage and levels
of ‘tripping’.
In all, it’s ok to handle our
feelings. Feel the feelings and act anyway. Never deny the feelings as though
they are not there. Once they show up, handle them. Sometimes, to deal with our
feelings (especially if it would warrant us to make life-changing decisions), we
would have to leave our emotions aside and face the realities staring at us (so
our emotions would not tamper with our decision-making process).
If you happen to be a (very)
religious person, always recognize that though you in some ways are a spirit
being (as always told in church), you are also a physical being with every ounce
of humanity; so, stop being super-human and kindly face your issues. Face your
fears, needs, and desires. If at all you do not want to handle it with co-humans,
at least, handle it with God. The fact that you are handling it at all (either
with God or man) shows you are self-aware of the problem which really is a key
factor (in getting better/having desired results).
In all, no matter who we are,
what we think of ourselves or people think of us, let us never forget that we
are humans, and that in the same way issues are part of life, it’s okay to deal
with the issues that comes our way even if it is going to put us in a vulnerable
position with ourselves. Come to think of it, if you are not open and vulnerable
with yourself, with whom (else) would you be? So, feel the fear anyway, the shame
if need be but handle your inner issues still.
Till I come your way next week Wednesday-
Much love.
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