Dating Advice For When You Meet Someone New

Some weeks ago, we had an interview session on the blog and to a large extent, it served as a great eye opener to issues like marriage, relationship, destiny, parenting and all. This week, this blog being a blog that is all about sharing and helping one another through life’s journey, it is my pleasure to bring to you a few of the things I’ve learnt over time as a result of dating; especially the mistakes I have made that I have learnt from and need not make again. Why would I want to extend these lessons to you despite the personal attachment I have to them? Because this blog (as said earlier) is all about sharing and learning. I learn from you through the comments and mails sent, and you perhaps learn from me through the blog posts posted from time to time.

Before I go ahead to share the lessons, I would like to say that the lessons are meant to serve as a guide and a form of help should you find yourself in a similar situation, but then, it is advised that the tips be mixed with intuition so as to holistically personalize it to your situation; so you can get maximum and intended results. So what are these tips? For time and space sake, I guess I would give just three, so- Here:  

1.       Pace Yourself

What do I mean by pacing oneself? I mean it in the way of saying- do not be too carried away by the new wave. So you meet this guy, he meets your fancy and immediately you kick it up, talking for hours and hours on the phone. Well, the issue here is not talking for hours and hours, the issue is minding the things you say as you talk for hours because this ‘relationship’ is still new and there is still a little idea where it could lead to even though in your mind you think it’s that one relationship you’ve been waiting for and it is no doubt leading to marriage. Well, dear Miss, permit me to say you are not God (of which you are not), only God knows the beginning to the end and at that, knows what and what would lead to desired ends in your life.

What happens when you say too much too soon? You might actually be giving the guy too much to handle, and as a result, the ‘relationship’ might be jeopardized when the guy retrieves into his ‘men corner’ to think. During the time he retrieves, he as a matter of fact might stop calling and texting which as a lady might send a lot of wrong signals into your brain. You begin to feel rejected, perhaps dejected and to an extent- used.

When you have those talks that lasts for hours at the initial stage, it’s better it’s full of general talks, and not too deep personal talks because in the case the relationship does not work out, you might feel a bit violated, vulnerable and betrayed. And this as a matter of fact might cause you to be cold to the next person that comes your way thinking he too would do the same and ‘run away’.

Pace yourself for the personal talks so you don’t end up revealing too much in a very short space. It’s like giving a hungry man a full and filling meal, for him to take another meal, he has to digest the one he has eaten first and to digest the meal, a deal of time would be needed which would make him reject every other meal you try to give him out of your innocent intention of being a great host.

Be a smart lady, and to a possible extent, try to be the one in control of the conversation pace. Don’t be unduly carried away by the emotion and euphoria of meeting someone new and the possibility of what it could lead to. Allow things to happen gradually. Instead of impulsive outbursts, allow things to unfold at reasonable paces.

2.       Control your emotions

It is often said that when at the brink of a new relationship, men come to the table logical, women come emotional. In as much as to an extent we as women are emotional beings, it will be helpful to know when to control our emotions so we can see in a way that is clear and not so full of sentiments. There is no doubt a level of euphoria gotten when we meet someone new, especially someone we think might be ‘the one’ at last(!), but then, a major sign of maturity as humans (male or female) is how much we can control our emotions in the face of impulsive outbursts. We must not allow our emotions dictate for us. We must be willing for nature to take its course without trying to force anything. Now, this might be an area I have a problem with and still working on. Not that I am emotional, as a matter of fact, I am so logical, logical to the point that it sometimes scares me, but then the issue lies in the fact that in the midst of my logical sense and permutation, I do not fully allow patience to take its full course. I always want to know the end from the onset which sometimes might not be feasible. And in the bid to quickly know the end, I make so many mistakes and most of the time find myself back to square one.

In essence, I would say- control your emotions as well as your logic. Calm down and prayerfully allow nature to take its course instead of you trying to control somewhat prematurely the outcome. Relax, pray, do your reasonable part and have a firm trust in God to perfect everything in His time.

3.       The last one would be Independence

Never let yourself go because you found a man. Never allow all your happiness to revolve all around him to the point that you neglect all the things you used to do and make him your sole focus. Never forego the frequent company of your friends and the things that matters to you because you found someone you think is the one. Learn to live, and actually master a balanced life. Learn to gain your spice from everywhere, not just a source. Don’t literally sit by the phone all day waiting for him to call or text, have a life regardless of the emotions that seems to have emanated from the perceived new beginning. That is why to a great extent, self-control should always be our best friend in everything we do, both in our relationships and in our careers. Thankfully I learnt the basics of this some years back, but even with that, I guess it is a habit that one has to constantly hone because the hype derived from new dates/relationships varies from time to time.

To end this post, it’ll be good to bear in mind that I am not giving all these advice because I got them right, I’m giving them because I got them wrong and having learnt from the mistakes, would not want you to make the same when you find yourself in such circumstances.

 Till I come your way again, I remain your friend, blog host, life’s student and sharer. Do enjoy your day.

Photo Credit: HappilyDivorcedAndAfter

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What’s the time please?

This is a question we ask people when at times we go out casually and as a result fail to take our wristwatches or at best- our phones, or perhaps in reverse the question people ask us when they fail to do the same. The time as at the hour of writing this article is 12:16pm, but then let’s assume instead of writing, I am reading (say in San Francisco USA) and you are reading as well at the same time (say in Baltimore USA) and through some means I ask you- “what’s the time please?”- Which time are you most likely to give?- Your own time right? Omitting the fact that we are not in the same location even though we are in the USA together, and the fact that we probably do not know ourselves that much to know.  

Time is of huge essence on the face of the earth. But then, not only on the face of the earth but also to God, being the Holder and Director of time itself. This we can see in many instances in the Bible, but most especially in Ecclesiastes 3 where times and seasons were spelt out. The organized thing about God is the fact that He has everyone’s time under control. And majority of the time, He has different timings for everyone, our ages notwithstanding.

A look at John the Baptist’s life, it could be seen that he began his ministry very early in life due to the peculiarity of the assignment he was given. But then, come to think of it, Jesus and John the Baptist were relatives, and in some ways, a word had gone ahead of them both even before their birth. John’s prophecies never really took long before it started manifesting, unlike Jesus who started His ministry at a much later age of 30- the time where John’s ministry had already gotten prominence and everybody had known him all around the town. What if they never got to know about the word that had gone ahead of them and they were either angry or jealous of each other owing to comparison and the fact that they were just months apart? Besides, remember the start of Jesus' ministry led to the decrease of John the Baptist's? ("...He must increase and I must decrease- John 3:30...") That's why as an individual, it is critical to understand not only your purpose, but also your place in life.

When it comes to timing and destiny, comparison no matter the seeming proximity of the person you are comparing with is of no use, because in the end, God has different plans, and at that- different timings for everybody under the sun. Your time is different from my time, and my time is different from yours no matter the yardstick people watching seem to use. A look at Paul, he started his ministry few years after he was saved, meanwhile, Jesus Christ Himself whom he served all his Christian life even though He knew about His ministry quite early, didn’t start until the age of 30. How about the likes of David, Joseph whose dreams in some ways were put in their hearts at teenagers but never got to reach their potential till the age of 30? Or even Moses who never began till the age of 80 despite the peculiarity of his birth?

In other words, when it comes to matters of destiny, if you ask your neighbour or your friend- “what is the time please?” you are most likely to get a very wrong answer because in the Kingdom, we might seem to live in the same geographical area so to say, but with different business (assignment) dealings.  Literally in the kingdom and based on assignments, you might be in Nigeria and have a New Zealand wristwatch and it’s working for you despite being 11hours ahead; your neighbour living in Nigeria as well but with a Nigerian time might miss it when he asks you the time and you tell him what the time on your own watch says. You might cause him to miss his flight in the sense that, his flight is still 11hours early, but because of the time you told him, he is down casted and rushing, thinking he has missed his time; whereas in actual sense, all he needed to do was relax and get occupied because his flight was still 11hours ahead. You get my gist now?

So in life, and in whatsoever you do, learn to seek God’s timing, never human timing. Remember His ways are not our ways, neither are His thoughts our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).

Do have a great day.

N.B: In case you missed the powerful interview SWB had last week with Dr Samuel Ekundayo, you might want to check it out here; perhaps the interview I had with him is why New Zealand formed a part of my ‘sermon’ today, it was that powerful. Read it, enjoy it, and have a great day.

Photo Credit: Dreamstine

An Interview With Preacher, Author and Speaker: Dr Samuel Ekundayo- A Straight From The Heart Talk About Purpose And Marriage

Happy new month people, welcome to the month of May. May this month bring great tidings to us all in Jesus name.

Today on the blog, I have a good news. I will be sharing a full and insightful interview had with the very Dr Samuel Ekundayo. Dr Samuel Ekundayo is an Author, Speaker, Preacher and a prolific Thought Leader. With a Ph.D. in Business Information Systems, he lectures full time in one of New Zealand's higher institutions as an IT lecturer. As a purpose teacher, he holds series of seminars and trainings, one of which is the famous few minutes ‘motivitality’ series frequently posted on his social media handles.

Why am I excited about him being on the blog? I am excited because his words aside from being full of wisdom and reality, contains insights for humans in literally every phase of life: Insights for teenagers, singles, married, parents and most importantly, his words addresses the sole reason why we are here on earth- purpose.

Without further ado, kindly sit back and relax as I bring to you- the wisdom packed interview had in the course of the previous month with Dr. Samuel Ekundayo. Enjoy.

SWB: A very good morning to you. It’s such a great privilege and honor to have you here.

DSE: The pleasure is mine and thank you so much for the privilege of featuring on your blog. 

SWB: Can our readers meet you please?

DSE: My name is Dr Samuel Ekundayo, popular called “The Purpose Preacher”. I am an author, preacher, thought leader and motivational speaker. The Mandate of God on my life is to help people discover God’s purpose for their lives so they can maximize their potentials on earth and be who they were born to be. I am also a full time academic and researcher.

SWB: How was growing up like for you?

DSE: Growing up was not easy but God was good to us. My parents could not afford most things but miraculously, at every point of need, God would show up for us. I remember there was a time things were really difficult for my family and my parents had to resolve to farming in order for us to survive. I am not talking about mechanized farming here. I mean the typical petty farming to eat daily. Life was tough and challenging but that was only a season. God brought us through all that.

SWB: At what point did you know what/who you wanted to do/be in life?

I believe that was at the age of 14. I just knew I enjoyed speaking and preaching and would always teach my mates in class. 

SWB: What triggered your dream? 

DSE: At that age, I started to discover my love for teaching so I decided I was going to become a professor. Since then I would call myself Le Dynamique Professeur (The Dynamic Professor) or “Professor Smart” and my friends would call me that too. Some of my friends still call me that till date.

Moreover, thank God for godly parents, since I was young, every day, my parents would play the VHS of ministers of God like Reinhard Bonnke, R W Schambach, Billy Graham, etc. They soon became my favourite thing to watch. Also, my Dad got me books like “I saw Heaven” by Roberts Liardon when I was 8. He really wanted me to see heaven too, like Robert. I didn’t see heaven but I met Jesus as that was the same year I gave my life to Christ – November 30, 1993.

SWB: What were the things you wished you knew earlier about life, and what advice would you give to the upcoming generation?

DSE: I was blessed to know quite early what I wanted out of life and where I was going. However, at the time, I was not aware of the principles and values to get me there. I was just hoping for miracles instead of learning principles. See, the way God designed life, principles are what sustains miracles. If you don’t learn the principles required for your life, miracles would soon cease and you would be left wandering – just as Manna ceased in the wilderness. I was blessed to have loads of miracles help me through but as things got tougher, I knew I needed to get tough too. I needed to learn the principles to sustain the miracles in my life in order to get to where God’s taking me.

SWB: I read in your bio how a stranger from literally nowhere paid for your school fees. What effect did that have on you? And what can you tell readers out there full of dream but stuck on funds?

DSE: ARGH! If you get me started on this one, I tell you, we would not leave here. So, let me try my best to keep it short. The Bible says the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord. Every time in the scriptures, God is fond us showing the destination to His people and not really showing the how they will get there because He reveals every step in the journey as we honour and please Him by trusting Him and obeying Him. 

On the journey to where I am today, one thing I have learned is, don’t wait for provision before embarking on your vision! If I was talking, I would have said that again to re-emphasize the point! Don’t let the lack of the provision you can’t see hinder the vision you can see. When you are sure you are headed in the right direction, when it appears you don’t have the resources, just trust God and keep moving. 

That’s the story of my life. Not once, not twice, God has used strangers to pay for my school fees. I am not talking about $1000 here. I mean someone writing a cheque of $15,000 at once! Not a loan! That day, in our house we were so in awe of God, we were all just rolling on the floor. It was at the brink of my dreams dying – the school was about to dismiss me and immigration were about to ask me to leave the country and God showed up. 

Hello there, are you reading this and you have a vision but you don’t have provision yet, two words – “KEEP MOVING”! Don’t let that stop you. I better stop here. I can preach a whole series on this topic because I have seen God at work personally on it.

SWB: What has been the greatest obstacle you’ve had to overcome so far?

DSE: There has been several obstacles in my life and all of them had taught me big things and deepened my knowledge of God and my relationship with Him. However, I think one really stood out and it was when I was some months into my PhD programme and the supervisors I had then started to doubt my ability to complete the PhD. In fact, they literally recommended that I be terminated from the course and that actually happened but God made a way because He is the way! Story for another day. 

SWB: There are certain days in human history that marks turn around in some ways, or perhaps some days something dawns on us more clearly due to an experience or a word heard- what is (are) the day(s) you will never forget and why?

A day I will never forget in my life was the day I first of all set my eyes on my wife (then, girlfriend). We met online in 2007 and started dating officially in 2008 but didn’t get to see each other until 2010 because we could not afford it. I was living in New Zealand and she was in Nigeria. Things were tough and tight then. It looked like an impossible relationship but God turned things around for us. Today, we’re married, living together in harmony with two wonderful boys. Ours is a story of God’s mercy.

SWB: What always reminds you of God’s Faithfulness and gives you the zeal to go on even in the midst of contradictory situations?

This question can start another sermon series oh. But I believe it’s looking back at how every time I struggled to pay my many school fees for my various degrees and God would just show up. I remember in my final year of PhD, I could not afford my fees; my parents could not help either. It was like my dream was going to crash. All of a sudden, my supervisor decided to make an exceptional case for me with the Faculty board of the school and a scholarship that was never on offer was granted to me. I just got to my office one morning to find an email in my inbox saying “Congratulations you have been awarded a scholarship…” This God is a faithful God.

SWB: What advice would you give someone trying to hold on in the midst of chaos all around? Would you like to use any personal story to encourage such person?

DSE: I believe I have shared so many personal stories already. To that person, hang in there. Whatever trials and tribulations you are facing now is only a season. One scripture in the Bible I love so much is 2 Corinthians 4:17 - For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory”. What you are going through cannot be compared to             where you are going to. Hang in there. God is working things out for you. Your darkest hour is the      start of the dawn of a new day for you.

SWB: What’s your take on mentorship?

DSE: My definition? I believe everyone should have at least a mentor – people you look up to, learn from and are accountable to. I have a few mentors in my life and they’re massively instrumental to where I am today by the grace of God.

SWB: How does who we are affect who we become at the end of the day?

DSE: The concept of identity is a very important one because without any idea of who you are, you are likely to lose the notion of God’s purpose for you. But when your identity is clear in God, you realise you were made for His purpose. Thus, you acknowledge Him in your life and everything you do and become gives glory to His name.

SWB: Greatness involves learning and unlearning things, what were the things you had to unlearn in the course of your journey, and also the things you had to learn? 

DSE:  Wow! Your questions are so deep, they are making me dig deep. One thing I had to unlearn late in my teenage years is becoming me! I had watched several men of God and people that

I was always wanting to become like someone. At first, I wanted to be like my Dad and then, I wanted to be Reinhard Bonnke and several other people like that until God opened my eyes to who He has called me to be and I began to see the authenticity of my identity and purpose in God. That changed my life!

SWB: Many people reading this may have been wondering- how do I discover purpose, what would you tell such people?

DSE: I have read tonnes of books on purpose and several advice exist on this subject but really, the surest way to finding your purpose without any trial and error is to go to God in prayer and ask Him to reveal to you why He created you. Purpose is the intent in the heart and mind of the creator of a thing. This means, the author of purpose is the creator. Only God can truly reveal His purpose for our lives to us. 

Having said that, practically, there are some things that are cues to our purpose and those things are our gifts and passion. According to Ephesians 4:7, all of us have been designed with a special gift. If we locate this gift, we would function at an extraordinary and supernatural capacity that will not only shock us but people around us and the entire world. You will discover this particular gift comes with an endless passion that gives you energy and sets you apart. It is important to stress here that, it is not everything you are passionate about or have passion for that is in line with your purpose. If you doubt me, go and watch American Idol and see many people carry the microphone to sing and you wonder how they got there. LOL

SWB: I was reading a book by Joyce Meyer some few days ago and she said at some points in her life, she thought she had no talent as she couldn’t sing, couldn’t sow, tend a garden or do anything that was considered a talent…. until she discovered that she has a mouth! I am a firm believer of God giving everyone at least a talent, but then, some talents are more obvious to the eyes and easy to discover than others, what would you tell people who think they have no talent, but seek purpose?

DSE: As I said earlier, every one of us have been given a special gift. The fact that you think you don’t have anything special does not mean you are right. In fact, I know you are wrong! There is something about you. On a practical level, I have created a purpose worksheet for people with this sort of belief. So, if you are reading this and you are interested, reach out to me and I will email you a copy.

SWB: Now moving on to marriage- You are married to -a treasure-  as you fondly call her, what has it been like doing life with her?

DSE: I actually call her my Treasure and Dudushewa. Doing life with her has been nothing short of amazing. I am not saying we do not have our struggle days; we do but overall, our alignment in terms of God’s purpose for our lives, principles, values and love for God trumps all those. 

I can confidently say I am glad I married her. She plays a huge role in shaping me to become the masterpiece God has in mind for me.

SWB: How has marrying your wife assisted you in the process of destiny? What advice would you give to a man full of dreams contemplating marriage about choosing a spouse?

DSE: It is one thing to marry a child of God, it is another thing to marry a purposeful and purpose-driven child of God. I believe one of the things I enjoy is that I married a woman that is purpose driven. It helps my ministry and my life and not just mine, hers too. We grow each other. We push each other to become the best version of ourselves.

So my advice to anyone reading this is make sure the person you intend marrying is going in the same direction as you. Don’t be carried away by chemistry and biology. Make sure your purpose aligns – it makes for a beautiful and glorious home.

SWB: Were there any myths you went into marriage with? If yes, how did marriage straighten you up by presenting you with actual reality?

DSE: HAHAHA. Daddy in the parlour watching film, Mummy in the kitchen cooking rice. I thank God for my parents and the way they brought me up to be very useful in the kitchen and to love cleaning. I discovered in marriage (especially away from home – Nigeria), Daddy cannot always be in the parlour watching film o. Daddy should be able to clean, do dishes and cook very well. Lol. Reality is, I do that so well more than I thought I’d be doing lol. Don’t ask how much o…

SWB: What place does marriage play in our destinies? How serious should we take marriage when considering marriage, especially as someone with a calling on his/her life?

DSE: As I have explained earlier, marriage can make or mar your destiny. Some people think marriage is just for procreation; it is actually the life that culminates life itself. If you miss it in marriage, the scar may never heal and if it does, it remains visible. If you have a calling of God on your life, as a man, the woman to marry must understand that calling and know her role as helpmeet for the calling. As a woman, the man’s vision must align with where God is taking you, otherwise you will be on your own! Amos 3:3 comes to mind, “can two walk together except they be agreed?” Notice agreed is past tense? It’s talking about destinies and purpose alignment. It is not just agreement by mouth.

SWB: Moving on to parenting- you are a father to two lovely boys, how would you advise parents to raise their children? - Especially in such a way that helps them discover purpose early in life?

DSE: Raising children intentionally and consciously is still something I am learning as well. Looking at them as mighty men of valour (I say this because I only have boys). Watching to see the special and unique gifts God has given them and spotting them early in order to help them nurture it. There are somethings we have noticed in our kids and we have made some investments in that direction to help them develop in that area. 

Also, special attention must be given to helping the child know who God is. That helps their self-esteem too and their confidence. 

SWB: What should parents pay attention to in raising their children?

DSE: I think I have answered that earlier.

SWB: What is the role of relationships in destiny?

DSE: Relationships and destiny are so intertwined that they are inseparable. Every man or woman in the scripture had one person at least that was their helper of destiny (e.g. Joseph, David) or someone that had to be cut out of their lives in order for them to reach their destinies (e.g. Abraham). Or people who relationships actually destroyed their lives (e.g. Samson, Demas). 

There is a prayer my parents taught me to pray and it is that “Lord, connect me with helpers of my destiny”. Powerful and profound prayer.

SWB: All said, life is about finding and creating a balance in everything we do, how do you unwind?

DSE: I play soccer a lot! I also read books (does this count as unwinding?). I play video games sometimes. I play the keyboard and love to sing. I fancy a good game of monopoly. I also love all things graphics from playing with Photoshop and doing some website coding here and there. I love me some photography and videography too. Let’s stop here before I start to look some kind of way hahaa. 

SWB: What’s your favorite verse of the Bible?

Psalms 16:8 – Since age 8!

SWB: What is your favourite book?

DSE: 1 Samuel – because my favourite character in the Bible is David!

SWB: You are a pastor, a lecturer, a writer, as well as a speaker, how do you balance all you do with being a husband and a father? 

DSE: Sincerely, this is an art o. It’s not easy but I manage. I have had to read about how to do this well and I think some of the things I am finding out helps. I guess in a nutshell, one has to be conscious and intentional about these various roles and plan ones time very well to ensure none of them suffers and one still excels in the end. Nonetheless, focus is key! In each of these roles, I have learned to focus on what is most important.

SWB: What would be your advice for singles- men and women alike- waiting for their life partners?

DSE: Don’t rush! Don’t fear. Let God guide you. Forget the hourglass shape or the tall, dark and handsome, choose a man or woman who genuinely loves God and understand God’s calling on his or her life first over other qualities.

SWB: What would you advise as the signs to watch out for in your partner as a single considering marriage?

DSE: Accountability to God and to people. If the person is not accountable to God, this is a No-No! If they have no relationship with God, don’t even go there. They will lead you astray. 

Also, if they have no one in their lives who can call them to order or someone they ‘fear’ or listen to, don’t even have coffee with them talk less of going on a date. They will never respect you, your parents and your entire family put together. 

Watch out for how they love and serve others! Anyone that does not genuinely love and serve others, will never genuinely love and serve you. 

SWB: Your foremost slogan is – live fully and die empty, how do we do that as humans?

DSE: Chai! I feel like you have done a thorough investigation into my life haha. I got that slogan from the late Dr Myles Munroe and I don’t stop saying it because it resonates with the mandate of God on my life and my personal resolution for my life. 

To live fully and die empty is to deliberately and intentionally making an impact in people lives daily with the gifts and talents God has given you. This brings fulfillment, individual significance, influence and most importantly, glory to God.

SWB: Before we go, If there was one word you would use to describe marriage, and another you would use to describe life, what would those two words be?

DSE: Marriage – Lifelong

          Life – Purpose

SWB: Any last word you would like to give?

DSE: What is a life without purpose? Nothing! Being alive without any idea why is living a meaningless life. Find why you were born and created today. Life is too short to live every day like a headless chicken, just running up and down with no clear direction. To find your purpose, you must connect to your maker. Only He knows why He created you. If you have no relationship with God or have fallen off the radar with Him, this is your opportunity to get back to Him. Accept Jesus into your life today.

SWB: Thank you so much for your time; it’s been a great joy having you here on this blog.

DSE: Thanks for having me. It’s such joy to be here too. I must say you drilled me oh!
SWB: Ha ha ha. But then, your answers too are take homes I would think about for a long time! So, tit for tat I guess...lol. Thank you once again for being here.

Dr Samuel Ekundayo can be reached on the following social handles

Facebook: Samuel Ekundayo (The Purpose Preacher)
Twitter: DrSamEkundayo
Instagram: DrSamEkundayo

Skype: dynamiqueprofesseur

Website: SamuelEkundayo.com

Loneliness, Singleness, Happiness and And Marriage (Part 2)

Hey peeps! How has your week been?

In the last article, we started a conversation on loneliness, singleness, happiness and marriage. Here is the concluding part:

For the question raised last week regarding loneliness, I have this to say-

If you find yourself constantly lonely and depressed as a single person, you might want to pay attention to the things you focus on because our happiness or lack of it is a function of our focus. You might also want to pay more attention to your environment- are you surrounded by married people, especially those that seems to have it all together on the outside? Or perhaps you are welcoming words from every direction which as a result is producing a lot of pressure on the inside of you- words from mummy, daddy, sisters, all asking as though you have a control over it- “when are we eating the rice?”. You might also want to pay attention to the music you listen to, the people you let into your space (especially if they are negative and pessimistic people) and a whole lot of other things.

You might also want to get busy doing the things you love so it would shift your mind away from the seemingly missing links in your life. Surround yourself with people you know without a shadow of doubt loves you, and people and situations that makes you happy too. You might also want to spend more time with time with God because in His presence, there is fullness of Joy and at His right hand, there are pleasures evermore (Psalms 16:11). When you do, the joy of the Lord would become your strength and help you per time through the waiting period.

Regarding Happiness, this would be my advice:

As a single person, before you get married, make sure you find happiness from the core of you, the truth being that no man no matter who he is, is strong and self-happy enough to give you all the happiness you require in life. If already married and you find yourself constantly unhappy, it is never too late to set your feet on a path of happiness.  How do you find happiness?

Two major things I have realized brings about true happiness - purpose and wholeness. When your feet are set firmly on the path of purpose, you would have little time to be sad. Doesn’t mean that those moments that makes us all human would not come; they’ll come, only they would not last for a long period of time owing to your passion and your ultimate reliance on God through the process.

Passion coupled with the constant presence of God in our lives generates so much force; such force that overwhelms us and keeps us busy and productive majority of the time. In other words, the combination of these two factors (God and passion) drives us towards our goals despite obstacles and challenges (loneliness inclusive) encountered on the way. A God-filled busy and productive mind is no hiding place for the devil, but an idle mind is. As a result, it is advisable to get yourself duly engaged with passionate and worthwhile projects. As you work through the projects, make sure you celebrate your small wins along the way as they boost happiness, and as a matter of fact- confidence.

The second pathway to happiness is wholeness. Wholeness is the process of freeing yourself of wrong ideas and beliefs to enable you function fully, freely and without fear in the area God has called you. Wholeness is the ability to be yourself without any form of fear (especially fear of rejection), and without any form of pressure.

Lasting and true wholeness I’ll say is achieved majorly in three ways

·         Spending time with God

·         Spending ample time with yourself

·    And lastly- acquiring information through constant reading and listening to helpful audios/videos. Hopefully over time, we shall get to talk about wholeness, how to achieve it, and the benefits of having it.

In addition to purpose and wholeness, I would love to chip in this- spend time with your girlfriends, call them, go on outings with them as marriage does not equate prison. Go shopping (either window shopping or actual shopping- if you have the sufficient means and you actually need the things you intend buying) if it would make you happy. Be helpful to people who are in need. More importantly, make kindness a genuine part of you and try your possible best to be cheerful and friendly.

Above all, remember that your marriage would always be a reflection of your state of wholeness as a spouse. A happy spouse would most likely make a happy marriage and vice versa. Always choose to remember that your happiness starts from you and not necessarily what people do/can do for you. Married or single, choose to be the master of your own happiness.

 

.…Till we meet again- do enjoy the remaining days of your week and make sure you do something tangible to make yourself happy this week if you haven’t already.

P.S: If there is any topic you would like me to talk about, I’ll be glad to receive your email, or you could perhaps put it in the comment section below.

Photo Credit: DeviantArt

Loneliness, Singleness, Happiness And Marriage (Part 1).

Loneliness, singleness, happiness, marriage- these four words in one has been the downfall of many. Downfall in the sense that when they were single, they saw themselves as lonely and so sought after marriage every way they could; now married, they realize that marriage in itself is never the cure to loneliness.

I once mentioned in one of my posts on this blog that as a teenager, I’d always thought marriage would make you happy because of the stories I’d read about love and how the men keep doing things to make their women happy. Thank God I came across a book written by Funmi Akingbade and I read it before I had the chance of locking myself in a marriage I shouldn’t have been because I thought it would give me happiness.

What if I never came across that book, or any other book that would have given me a similar insight? I’m very sure I would have been married by now and seriously regretting it, because I would have gotten married for all the wrong reasons.

We mistake marriage solely for happiness because often times, we are blinded by the acts that leads to it. We are blinded by the people we see buy gifts for their women, take their women to the movies, massage their head and shoulders and the likes. All these and many more are not bad in themselves. They are a part of the ingredients marriage is made up of, but unfortunately not all marriage is all about. We often are not exposed to the other sides of marriage such as the responsibilities it brings and the maturity it requires, as a result, we go into it unprepared. All we see are the fairy tale aspects of marriage that makes us believe the ‘and they lived happily ever after’ farce.  Owing to the things we see, we long for marriage based on these facts which actually are true, but not all there is about marriage. We set a standard based on peripheral things, and not real/actual things. As a result, when a guy comes and makes us feel in the mushy-giddy way we have imagined, we jump into his arms without a second thought thinking that is all there would be to marriage until reality begins to set in.  

We begin to see that sometimes we are left alone as well, and marriage does not necessarily mean company every time. Then we go back to our single state- being lonely. Things takes a worse turn when we discover that the man travels a lot, or that he comes back home late and we are often the only one left at home till he comes. It becomes more apparent when we realize that there are no more flat mates to go to to hear the gist of the day, or probably school mates to go to school together once it is morning. As a matter of fact, we are now completely on our own; possibly more than ever.

So if loneliness happens to both single and married, what do we do to avoid/deal with it? And what do we do to attract happiness in contrast to our thought that marriage automatically equates happiness?

 ....To be continued....

Now That You Are Grown

It’s been a long long while; almost a year. Don’t know if to say happy new year, or happy new month, perhaps happy new week, or most recently- Happy new day *smiles*. Either way, I hope you do forgive me for being away for that long, God willing, I hope to get better at posting this season; far better than before.

While away for that long, more than ever, I have come to realize a couple of things – things about life, myself, my past, present and future that over time God willing, I would be putting up on the blog as lessons and learning points. But before then, let me welcome us all (you and I, because we have been so far away from each other- thanks to the ‘sleeping pill’ I swallowed for almost a year; the last time I posted being 31^st of August 2017) with a post I posted on Instagram and a great mentor of mine prompted me to share. Here:

“No doubt sometimes as a child growing up, we experience the stifling of our hearts, minds and arts, and sadly those memories hunt us for a long time, making us feel odd sometimes and act in awkward ways in the crowd.

But then, growing up, I realized 2 things

1. What you went through as a child to an extent was never about you, but your parents/guardians trying to keep their sanity. They shouted at you not because you were wrong for singing happily and dancing happily, but because they were tired and needed rest and shouting on you was the only way they could stop you.  It had nothing to do with your brilliance.
2. A mother eagle gives birth, causes the eaglet to fly the way it understands, then with time, leaves it to soar. The eaglet refusing to soar is not the mother's fault- but the eaglet now turned eagle's mental state. In as much as the eaglet might not have been thought how to soar in the way it would have loved, the subtle truth is that the eaglet is now grown and can choose and learn its own way of flight and as a result, unlearn how it was taught that it hated/hinders its now found way of flight.

As an adult, choose to be free. Reborn yourself in such a way that would free your true and real being. Do your best to erase thoughts pulling you down and give yourself permission to fly and soar like only you can.

*Note- I'm not trying to play down on childhood trauma, some people had it worse, I'm only saying we can rise above it if we choose to and the first step to rising is not only desiring it but actually pursuing it no matter how long it takes. Some wounds could be deep but time and knowledge heals all wounds. And if you want to cheat nature and heal faster, you can try healing up with Jesus- I promise you, it works.”


With time, we may dig more into these dynamics, as a part of the thoughts keeping me literally awake more than ever these days.  Before then, try to enjoy the weather and perhaps the personal season you are in all you can because seasons I promise you- are not always forever. I miss you all and it’s great to have you back. See you soon and much love.

Picture Credit: www.kath.ch

Single ladies: Dealing with the married man temptation (3)

Continuing from where we stopped the last time, here is something to think about:

Do you want God to surround you with nice people; especially people of the opposite sex who are married? If yes (but you are currently having affairs with them), why should He keep surrounding you with them when all you'll do is have affairs with them and derive your needs (emotional, financial, physical etc) from them as though they are your God?

The other side of the coin would be to ask yourself if you want to be surrounded by mean and insensitive men since all you do is sleep and entice the nice ones God has sent your way in some forms to make your walk in life more comfortable and easier. This I say not in a way to judge or condemn you, but to make you think quite deeper.

Till your prayers gets answered for a spouse (and even after), keep praying, keep waiting, keep working on you and be careful of the seeds you sow for your future bearing in mind that the law of sowing and reaping is real; just as it is real with planting and harvesting crops in the natural. Galatians 6:7. Be the kind of lady that other women’s husbands are safe with, just like you would love to have ladies around your future husband that he is safe with, and you can feel safe with too.

Conclusively, you might need to ask yourself some questions. Questions like how boring is my life? How lonely am I? How often do I need attention and how desperate am I for it? How often do I need someone to validate me and to what extent will I go to get it?

Finding answers to these questions will tell you what you need to fill your life so fun can be a part of your life (if it’s currently absent), because of a truth, loneliness and boredom as a single lady can expose you to such ideas. You can put your attention on doing the things you love, have friends you go out with per time or perhaps go out by yourself if you can and if it’ll ease the boredom and loneliness you feel in your life. Also, spoil yourself silly with the little you have, especially if gift as a lady is one of your love languages. Pay more attention to yourself care-wise if you have not been. Pamper yourself more and be more considerate, kind and compassionate towards yourself. Whatever rocks your boat and is legal and biblical- do it.

In all, try to know yourself. Knowing yourself will always give you a way out of every temptation, because you’ll know the ‘why’ of the feeling and also most likely- the things to do to get out of the situation. The truth is as humans, most of the time, we have an idea of what to do (or not to do) to get us out of temptations, but we fail to do them because the temptation in question is a bait and it comes interesting. After all, the devil will not tempt you with what you hate. Or will you as a human being try to bait a rat, even a fish, with a stone? No; you will give it what you know will catch its attention. Likewise the devil. Sometimes, temptations are pointers to things we need more strength in; either as a sign of weakness, a missing link or lack of balance in our lives.

Aside knowing yourself; know God and know His Word. Your love for Him, the knowledge and understanding of His Word you have will keep you going. The fact that you know His Word and you do not want to hurt Him would help in moments of weakness. Do all your best to know His will (promises inclusive) for your life and trust His timing. Knowing this will keep you strong and hopeful knowing fully well that a bright future awaits you.

Above all, never fail to remember that God is not a man that He should lie, nor the son of man that He should repent. He also rewards greatly those who wait for Him patiently and dutifully.

...Till I come your way again, keep loving yourself and keep saying no to the temptation to date married men no matter how much the idea appeals to you. Always remember it’s a bait that leads to death in some kind of ways.
Much love sis.

Photo Credit: PlayerFM

Single ladies: Dealing with the married man temptation (2)

In the last article, we talked about checking deeply our hearts to know the probable and exact cause of our feelings since it is evident that every emotion has come to tell us something.

This we can start doing by paying attention to clues; especially those clues tending to draw us closer to him (married man in this case). For instance, you can take a clue of what you want or like in a man by taking note of the things you like in him. Could it be his dressing, composure, articulation, or what? You can take note and pray them into your future husband. Things you like about him should give you a prayer point for your future husband and things you perhaps do not like in him could also be a prayer point too for your future husband. Let seeing him make you more conscious of what is to come for you husband-wise, instead of immoral feelings and private unholy desires.

The truth is that you are going to meet (and work alongside) many married men during the course of your journey in life who will cut across what you want in men, or perhaps what you think you need at a particular moment; would you then date all of them per time? Can God trust you with what you want but isn’t yours? It can be worthy of note to know that growing up means trusting God’s will and timing; and growing up prevents us from being babies in nature. Only babies begin to cry when they see what they want and make sure they get it irrespective of the cost. You are no baby: you are a matured single lady dutifully and patiently waiting (on the Lord) for your worthy prince.

Besides, self-control starts now as a single lady, not necessarily as a married lady. Having a ring does not bring about a new you character wise, it's more of you carrying over the single you into the ‘married you’ phase. A ring does not change your personality, just your social status.

Let God trust you with things you desire, is around you but is not yours. The way you treat that which you desire but is not yours can either open or close doors for you to have yours. (after all he that is faithful in little will be faithful in much, the much being your future husband). Besides, no one is ever too young to start thinking of their tomorrow. If you sow this kind of seed today, should it germinate tomorrow, will you be happy with the end result?

Photo Credit: 1966mag.com

A lady like me: The masterpiece

You’ve never met

A lady like me.

You never should have.

It’s just me in the world

No one else like me

None else would be.

Yes, we all are clay

But when the Creator made me

He locked up

With an everlasting key and in a vault,

The rich remainder,

Of the clay

He used to mold me;

A vault,

Never again

To be opened in human history.

He made just me;

He made just me this way,

So-

You never should have

You never will

Meet a lady

Exactly like me.

I am His walking, living

And breathing

Masterpiece.

Single ladies: Dealing with the married man temptation

We all get tempted at certain points and phases in our lives; even with things we never knew could flash across our minds not to talk of making a home there. How then do we deal with situations when we are tempted?

The truth is we all must learn to pay attention to ourselves to know for sure what our emotion is trying to communicate to us. We shouldn’t be so over-spiritual and carried away. We all are flesh and blood and emotions are real. It’s however left for us if we are paying attention to the inner us to separate the feelings we have into good and bad so we can know the ones to hold on to, and those to trash without a second thought. When emotions (especially the not too good ones trouble our heart), we should always dig deeper to understand the real reason why they are hovering.

As for lusting after a married man, could it be that all the while you’ve not had a kind man around you, and suddenly now when you seem to have one, you’re all over the place wishing he could be yours? Instead of lusting after him and wishing he was all yours, let him be the sign that great and kind men still exist, and use him as a point of contact hope-wise to believe for yours. Or better still, you can pray for him daily. There is something about this kind of prayer that eliminates immoral thoughts. Before you know it, your heart begins to get drawn to his wife with compassion such that you wouldn’t want to hurt her in any way, and also his kids.

As a single lady, you have to be able to work hand in hand with men who are kind and nice (and are married) without wishing they were yours in any way. Appreciate them for the kind people they are and want nothing more than that, knowing fully well that you would become a wife someday and you wouldn’t want someone lusting after your husband, or worse still- pursuing his attention. Besides, not every kind man is meant to be your husband, just like you are not meant to be the wife of every man just because you are beautiful.

While it is true that some married men do not mind having an affair with single ladies, it behooves on us to discipline ourselves never to be a victim, because in the end, it’s a road that often leads to death in some kind of way (emotional death, spiritual death, moral death; even sometimes physical death).

No matter who you are, your belief and spiritual state, always remember that you are not a robot and you do have emotions like all human beings do. You will get tempted in some ways some day and when you do, especially if it’s with a kind, nice married man, do remember that yours is not different in any case as stated in James 1:12-18; and also, 1Corinthians 10:12. Also bear in mind Matthew 26:41 (MSG). Never wish any married man belongs to you no matter how kind and loving he is; he is someone else’ sole ‘property’.

Reference Scripture: 2Corinthians 10:5

Till I come your way again, much love.