Taming The Voices In Our Heads

To an extent, life wouldn’t be the battle it is, if not for the voices in our heads. The voices makes us feel inadequate and somehow unsure of ourselves. They make us feel, and act awkward in a crowd of people. We’re constantly thinking of the things we are not doing right, instead of the things we do right and rather effortlessly.

At first, it starts as just our own inner voice. It is the voice, as a child, that makes us compare other kids’ cloths, toys and shoes with ours, making us feel inadequate and discontent in the process.

As we grow older, the voice make us compare not only material things, but also abilities, in ways that are destructive to our growth and development, and more especially our self-esteem. With time, because of the dominance of this voice, we begin to feel less of ourselves. This voice also makes us conscious of ourselves in ways that makes it difficult for us to fit easily into groups, by sometimes making us feel like an unwanted face in the crowd.

It would have been good if this voice remains as one; however, over time, it splits into that of mummy, daddy, aunty, siblings, friends and even strangers telling us unpleasant things about ourselves, in ways that seemed too real not to be true. When you’re older you realize it’s false. The voice is indeed great at gathering negative voices from all the places we’ve ever been- our childhood, schools etc and makes those voices have a stronghold on us.

The saddening thing about these voices is that they tell us things in ways that makes us believe them. They make sure to appeal to our reasoning by putting up seeming evidence, which ends up to be false majority of the time. These voices become a part of us and they move with us everywhere we go, in ways that makes us extremely conscious of ourselves based on the lies they tell us.

What do we do to tame and control the voices in our heads?

One good tip would be to know ourselves for real: both the good and the bad truths about who we are. Knowing our real selves is the first good way to falsify all the suggestion these voices brings to us because the reason we become so confused and overtaken by the voice in the first place is because we do not know ourselves in a sufficient degree.

How do we get to know ourselves? Introspection; getting to know the things we like and the things we do not like, our values, and belief system and why they are actually important to us. Getting to know ourselves involves us challenging the image we put up of ourselves and why. The good news is that the more we know ourselves, the easier it becomes to discard the negative voices in our head, because we know at first glance how false it is. In all, getting to know ourselves reduces the hold the voices have over us.

After self awareness is self affirmation. Do this daily. Affirmation not only acts as a shield from the negativities of the day, but also the negativities of our own mind. Besides, the act of affirming ourselves constantly provides a ready antidote for these voices.

As hard as it sounds, we might need to pay attention to the voice, especially when its ridicule about something is becoming consistent. We pay attention, not because we want to believe that’s who we are, but because we want to unravel the reason why it thinks that’s who we are. For the most part, getting to the root of something is the best and sometimes only way of disarming it, because when we cut things from the root, they never grow back – unlike when we keep cutting the stem and the branches. Getting to the root might hurt and perhaps take a while, but in the end would be worth it.

In addition to all these listed tips, it might also be helpful to turn to our religion for help because majority of the time, our religion points us to who we are and eventually- who we should become. So with that, we can actually program our pasts and present thoughts into desired outcomes.

Conclusively, overcoming the voices in our head is a conscious and continuous effort.  We can achieve this by paying attention to ourselves and never living in denial as a way of suppressing them. For effectiveness and ease we might want to make reading and listening to/watching great audios/videos a part of our everyday life. This is because reading and listening to/watching great audios/videos help to expose the depth of what we think about ourselves and why. It also provides the avenue to fix these thoughts, provided the right books/audios/videos are read/listened to/watched. With active and adequate knowledge exposure, we can always reprogram the voices in our heads in such a way that would make us rise above every form of limitation they seek to bring into our lives.

P.S: As you fight your way through the voices in your head, it would be helpful to know that you are not alone; we all have it, the best and worst of us, royals and commoners, rich and poor. Rather than fight yourself for having the voice, divert all your energy to fighting the voice and insist on winning.

This article though written by the blogger, first appeared in Bella Naija- 6th April, 2018.

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‘Daddy Issues’ And Such Pain It Causes

I never want to sleep with him again. As a matter of fact, I do not enjoy the sex despite the many screams I make myself make just to raise his ego. If I had my way, I would tell him he stank, I would tell him to wash his teeth a thousand times a day, but who was I to tell him all of those?

He on the other hand acts and sulks like a baby when I reject his advances. He makes it feel as though the whole world has crumbled at our feet; so, majority of the time, out of guilt, I give in to him (or for the most part, knowing how sulky he would become, not reject his advances at all). I wouldn’t know why sex is so much food for him despite him being a married man.

On the other hand, all I wanted, I wanted from him without a touch. I wanted a sense of security, being loved, and for the most part- being wanted. My daddy- a military man while growing up had no time for us, especially for the fact that we were all girls. He would travel all around the country with no responsibility of being a family man, especially a father. He had no idea how much we his daughters needed his presence in our lives. Times he came back, he was like a lion in the house, even in the neighbourhood. Perhaps he thought roaring every time like a lion would chase away men from our house- our house being a bevy of ladies. He would as well leave his sense of terror hanging in the air when he travelled, so men who once knew what his roar looked like, would stay meters away from his house, especially his wife.

My mum as well was a ‘mechanical’ mother.  She was as ‘hard’ as my dad and never knew how to hug. The first, and perhaps last time we hugged was when she was on a sick bed- before she died. That day, I had been so much lost in deep emotions that I had finished hugging and holding her tight before I got to remember hugging was never a part of routine for each other. However, she died the next day.

I’d always longed for someone to love and hold me- that male presence. Coincidentally, my dad has grown old too, wanting all the attention he never gave, but alas, it’s too late. I already learnt to live without him by finding ‘solace’ and ‘love’ in the hands of men who managed to say hi. I’ve found their maturity compelling, especially enough to make me feel seen (noticed), loved, and in some ways- accepted. The way they expect me to respond was giving them back sex. That was the language their own brokenness understood.

The men as well gives me money- in a way that makes me feel like a child, as though I was five again and being catered for; only this time around more keenly. The crave for the loving sense of a man led me to hanging around with men old enough to be my elder brother, and even fathers, and with time though unplanned- made me sleep with them since it felt sleeping with them was the only way I would feel the love and sense of warmth and security a part of my heart needed.

This is not a blame game session. I take responsibility for every action of mine, but what if my dad had constantly told me he loved me? And what if he actually showed it and I felt safe in his person, even in his absence? What if my mum too had hugged me almost every time and told me literally all day how much I meant to her? What if I had felt safe and secured in the shadow of my father? What if he actually made me feel loved, welcomed and keenly cared for- would I have been in the mess I am today? Besides, what mess do you think I am at the moment?

My name is Lara, and above is a little part of my story. We’ll get to talk some other time on the blog I believe. #DaddyIssues.  *sighs*.

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I Need A Spouse!

I remember a friend of mine who just passed the age of 30 at the time, saying indirectly to me through all her words and actions- ‘I need a spouse!’. This was a lady who had had all you would think a lady should have, especially based on the ‘African’ mentality, and so, it was only natural and ‘logical’ for the next thought to be marriage.

I could remember us talking outside my house at the time. She was telling me how she wanted to go to a ‘power must change hands program’, and as well, change some things about herself, such as the church she attended. The church we both attended was more of a family and student church; the one she wanted to start attending was in a city miles away from where we stayed, a place she felt had more single men, and as a result, would increase her chances.

She was older than me at the time (and of course- still is), but then, God in His supremacy put a word for her in my mouth then, and the word was – wait. I reminded her that God indeed sees us, and He no doubt knows exactly where we are. Because He knows exactly where we are, it’s so easy for Him to make the things we need come to us, right about the time we actually need it. And so, the word that came to my mouth as a form of encouragement to her was to tell her to wait, and if she can, not bother to change her church and just trust that the love of God would bring that that she needed right to her.

In as much as that appeared like a simple piece of advice, it was quite a tough one. The fact was that we were in a student environment, asides from the fact that there were so limited Africans, or any form of Africans in the place. Most Africans one would find there are either schooling, or married. In my friend’s case, she was not schooling; she was working, which made her case quite a difficult one. The people around her were much younger, or much older and married. And she wanted an African.

Well, fast forward to months after the advice, and some series of us praying together, a new man came to town- an African man, from her very country, who was not there to school, but to work: A pharmacist! Well, your guess is as good as mine, they are happily married now.

What are you going through today? Especially such that cuts across as hopeless? I want you to know that God sees you, and knows exactly where you are. All you need to do is to recognize His voice per time and listen. My friend was smart enough to see God in what I said, even though if you asked me, I would say I was just encouraging her, as a believer I am, but she recognized the voice of God in the little thing I said that seemed to make no sense to a desperate soul like hers at the time. 

Be patient. Listen. If God says move, move. If He says be still- do all your best to be still and trust Him, knowing fully well that everything He has in mind lies in your best interest.

Till I come your way again, let’s all keep waiting (if He says wait); moving (when He says move) and more importantly- trusting Him. Do enjoy the remaining days of the week, and much love.

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The Age We Live In: The Struggle For Acceptance

My name is Lauretta. I am a graduate. I earn eighty thousand naira monthly. I work in one of the new generation banks. I love wearing expensive shoes, and also carrying expensive bags; all which my salary cannot buoyantly support. Let me tell you what I do with my salary.

• I pay house rent- a rent of four hundred and fifty thousand naira a year (I live in Abuja and I live in town. Someone like me has no time to live in suburbs. What would people say, especially my high and good friends? No).

• I feed myself

• Pay for my transport to work (I take cabs of course)

• Recharge my big phones

• Buy things I do not need nor want but fits into the list of what I should have to earn social respect and somewhat acceptance.

• …And lots more

I’m fair, elegant and poise. When you see me, you’ll think you just saw a billionaire’s daughter, or better still, a celebrity. I’m the kind of person a guy would look at twice, and a lady would look at five times, because they feel intimidated or threatened by my presence. To round it up, my fair skin is as fresh as a baby’s. I am every man’s dream in terms of beauty, especially those who love their women fair, bright and extremely beautiful.

I carry Gucci bags, Michael Kors etc (I mean the original ones); all which my salary could not afford. So how do I live? You’re right- I live on credit. I’m too decent to prostitute myself and take money from men to afford my lifestyle. I’m working hard, but my current hard work and the kind of money I desire is not at par so, credit seems to be the only way out.

So why do I do all I do? Just four words. I want to impress. I want to impress all of my friends; both the high ones and the low ones. I want the low ones to be proud of me, and I want to fit into the league of the high ones so I don’t get looked down upon; and also so I would fit into their conversations the few times I saw them and we gisted.

Does it matter if my account is always in red and everything I do or buy has to be extra calculated? Maybe no. Does it matter that some days I have nothing to eat in the self-contained apartment I once used my six months’ advance salary to beautify? Again no. Does it matter I owe a lot of people so much money so much that I have no idea how to pay back? No. So what matters? The fact that people look up to me; especially my fashion sense, and the fact that I do not feel all left alone in misery and poverty.

**

Why do we struggle for acceptance? So much so that we would go to any length to get it and to prove a point? Come to think of it: who cares about your point anyway? The highest perhaps you’ll get is social respect, at the expense of your credit respect (financial respect). Why don’t we all live satisfied lives?

Let me tell you a truth: people who love you will love you truly for who you are no matter what you wear or what you do not wear. Why buy false love with deceit? Why do we compare and compete at our own expense, especially knowing what would be at stake? Funny enough, the people you think you are competing with, can afford the lifestyle they live comfortably – so why do you want to be a wannabe?

You really don’t have to go all out at your own expense to impress people. People who truly love you will be impressed with the lifestyle you have and the little you have. I love my close friends for who they are regardless of what they wear or do not wear. Their worth to me is never in what they wear, or who they carry; but who they are. Their worth to me is in their character: the integrity and loyalty we’ve spent years building and spending together. The worth of true friendship is not in competition; it’s in stillness and peace knowing that you can be whatever you want to be with them, and you do not have to pretend in any way. The worth of true friendship is in the honesty and truthfulness shared; when you both can open up before one another and feel no shame. You should encourage one another and make each other feel better… knowing fully well that it’s just a phase and it will soon pass.

Think about this today; who are your friends and why do you do what you do? Do you want what they have? If yes, to what extent would you go to get it? Besides, the people you have now and you call friends, do they inspire you to be better or competitive? One advice I’ll give: stay on your lane and walk on your path. Compare your life to no other, because in the end, nobody really is like you. Nobody has your exact eyes, nose, legs, arms etc. You are simply unique; stop trying to be general, when in actual fact you are special.

Know that everybody is busy living their own lives, busy fighting their own battles such that they have no time to recognize the point you’re trying to make that is sinking you. If you would prove a point, I’d rather it be an intellectual one – one that’ll bring you joy, fulfilment and contentment; not one that makes your account red perpetually for no tangible reason.

I want to challenge you to look into your heart for your intentions for everything you do, and work on yourself as much and hard as you need to be so you can be better; your life can truly be an inspiration to people in every sense of it.

This article though written by the blogger, first appeared in Bella Naija- 4th September 2017.

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Guest Writer Adeteju Adeniran Asks- What Defines Me?

I casually joked with a colleague whose name was Kelvin, I asked if his own Kelvin was Kelvin Hart or Kevin Costner. Another colleague pointed out how Kevin Costner had lost most of his hair and was no more the looker he used to be. That statement got me thinking about trends in my space for the past two months.

I went on a training recently and by the time I came back, a building very close be my office had been possessed by court order and eventually the process of demolishing commenced. As of yesterday, the whole building had been demolished. I wondered how things could change in such a short period of time.

As I walked home from work, I observed a complex where I usually shop for cosmetics and I saw that it was being demolished too. I wondered again at how things could change in such a short period of time.

As humans, we need to be able to define where our identity stems from and one big lesson I have learnt, and I am still learning is that your identity must stem from the intangible.

Some of us get our identity from our jobs, the question is what if that job ceases to exist tomorrow, will you also cease to exist? The point is nothing in life is certain. You are not your job or whatever you do to make a living.

For some other group, their identities are gotten from their relationships. This also is dangerous; we all need to be able to look inwards and not derive our identity from our relationships. What if that loved one passes on tomorrow or that friend betrays you? Remember that man at its best is still a man. Also, you shouldn’t forget the dangers of putting your trust on a mere mortal like you.

Beauty and looks for some people are what defines them. Well, if that is it- remember that age will come and no matter how hard you try to defy it, it will take its course. Beauty is fleeting, anything can take it away.

The last, which is the most common is that- people derive their identities from their possessions which in my opinion, leads to a life of struggle and the need to always want to amass and amass. Coming from a religious angle and drawing from the Good Book, remember Jesus once said- “beware of covetousness, the worth of a man is not in the abundance of the things he possesses”. That was why Job’s wife told him to curse God and die. She was indirectly telling him that ‘you have lost everything and that makes you a nobody- there is no longer any reason for your existence’. But Job knew better, he knew that all he had gotten was from God.

After so much pondering on the uncertainty of life, I came to conclusion that my identity should stem from my faith in an unfailing God and the work that Christ wrought on the cross on my behalf. This will develop my values from the intangible and form who I become. My Identity is rooted in the God who causes all things to work together for my good. So, no matter what life brings my way, I am not moved, I know fully well that the things which are seen are subject to change but the things which are not seen are eternal.

What are your thoughts on these, has any occurrence really explained the uncertainty of life to you and how did you scale through?

Written by Guest writer- Adeteju Adeniran

Photo Credit- Adeteju Adeniran

Story Reference from the Good Book- Luke 12:15; Job 2:9-10

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