Help! I Am Getting Older

Sometime ago, my boss mentioned that it was his birthday in some weeks time. My response to him was that it means you are getting older. With a broad smile on his face, he told me he likes the fact that he was getting older. Life is funny huh-I remember how I used to form older when I was younger, I would even add to my age (covers face). Fast forward to some point later in my life , I didn’t want to talk about my age, of course I wanted to be younger. It was just like time had flown past and I was stuck somewhere.

Well as usual, the good book liberated me when I read what the good book had to say about getting older. It says, “Teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts to wisdom” There and then I found the answer, the reason for the dread was because of the thoughts of underachievement.

There and then I repented, well, repent means to change your thinking in case you are wondering. My paradigm shifted, I started applying the principles I had learnt from this verse and my outlook to life changed. Each new year looked wonderful and I looked forward to adding another year without fears.

 The solution to this is to simply make each day count. A wise man once said, if the days don’t count, the year won’t add up. So here’s it: don’t wait for the next year to make a change, make changes daily. It is the sum of the days that makes the year. We have been so focused on making changes each year that eventually we make no changes. It’s called the Kaizen principle, small changes consistently make that compound to make very massive changes.

Here’s how you can look forward to every new age with so much joy and eagerness, learn the things you can control and make the best of them daily. When you have differentiated the things you can control from, don’t get worked up and anxious over the things you can’t control.Take for instance, you might not be able to control when you have a child. What you can control is the number of children from indigent backgrounds you can help.

Can we delve a bit into negativity bias? Negativity bias also known as negativity effect is the notion that, even when of equal intensity, things of a more negative nature (e.g. unpleasant thoughts, emotions, or social interactions; harmful/traumatic events) have a greater effect on one's psychological state and processes than neutral or positive things. Let me break it down to you, this means living life in such a way that so much attention is paid to negative occurrences in your space while forgetting every positive thing happening. Living like this can translate to very deep mental health issues like panic attacks, depression, self harm and suicide. Oftentimes, things are not as bad as they seem but the focus we give to these negative occurrences amplifies them. Do yourself a favour when life gets so overwhelming and looks like nothing is working, grab a journal and write what you are thankful for, you will be amazed to see how far you have come. That old hymn says it all: “ count your blessings, name them one by one and you will be surprised at what God has done”.

Growth has to be all round for it to be tangible. Here are some few tips to aid growth and make each day count.

1. Work on self development: You are never too old to develop yourself. Take courses,do refresher training in your area of expertise,  read up on your field of expertise daily, go for conferences/events, write that paper. Put yourself out there.
2. Support a cause: This point is a whole article on it's own. When you give kindness, you get love and fulfillment in return. I have learnt to give the most at my lowest points and before I know what’s happening, I feel much better and ready to take the world on again. Give a scholarship, volunteer somewhere, be intentionally kind to people in your space. Make it a habit to do at least one kind deed daily.
3. Take your purpose seriously: Purpose helps you to focus on what is important, it influences your choice.  God created you for a purpose, discover it and work on it.
4. Relationships: Be that person that people can count on so that you will equally have people to count on.We are designed to relate with our environment, relational skills are something to be worked on. Also don’t take your family for granted. I have seen people treat their spouses any how and revere others outside - that is not a good way to live. Give allowances for offences knowing that they will always come and learn to forgive.
5. Finances: Save, invest,when financial figures are not encouraging, it demoralizes. As a result, always remember to pay yourself first.
6. Health: You are what you eat and what you do. Adopt a healthy lifestyle.

Never forget that  it’s the daily activities that matter. Make each day count, get better daily. Learn to clarify if the outcome of something is within your power or not to prevent stressing yourself out unnecessarily.

By the way it’s my birthday today, please say a word of prayer for me. Always remember that each day is a gift, make sure you don’t send it back unopened. Cheers to making each day count.

Written by: Adeteju Adeniran

Photo Credit: Adeteju Adeniran

About the Author: Adeteju Adeniran is an internationally trained occupational health and safety professional. She loves to write on faith, hope, and lifestyle, getting her inspiration from the day to day occurrences around her.  She has an obsession with anything African print (lol). She resides in Lagos, Nigeria, where she is impacting her world, one kind deed after another.

She can be reached via-

LinkedIn/Facebook: Adeteju Adeniran

Can Mr. Available Become Mr. Right?

I once wrote an article on BellaNaija- the one that compared Mr. Right to Mr. Available. In as much as the things talked about in the first article holds true, based on a question asked by an acquaintance of mine who read the article, I would love to bring in another perspective to the issue.

When I was in school, my friend told me the story of how she met her husband, especially the condition in which she met her husband. She had just come out of a failed relationship when they met. They met in church, and my friend noticed that not many girls came around him. She soon figured out the why. Her husband, who just an acquaintance at the time smelled a lot, and not only that, he also dressed in a way that no one trying to be a big girl would want to be seen with him. His fashion sense and mannerism to an extent was zero.

But then, my friend having spent quite some time with him realized how much of a good man he was. She suddenly began being drawn to him, and as a result of her association with her, he gradually began dressing well, smelling nice, and had a bit of mannerism which made ladies who had shun him and taken him as nothing attracted to him. Suddenly everybody wanted Bassey to be on their team while carrying out church activities, and most assuredly, a number of people wouldn’t mind him walking them home as well.

When my friend told me this story, I was amazed. I looked at her husband’s picture (who was her fiancé then) and saw no trace of what my friend described. Her story changed something in me. It made me a bit more tolerant and perhaps more open. For if her husband- Bassey could change having being what she described earlier, then maybe some things can move to the ‘should have list’ instead of the ‘must have’ which really has not been easy carrying about.

In this story, one can say in a way that Mr. Available in time became Mr. Right. But is it a wise channel to take? I would say it depends. From what my friend told me, this guy- Bassey had great characters. He was (and still is) a good man. All that needed to change was his outward appearance, which in some ways, began to take shape once my friend stepped in. This is not to say that we should get ourselves involved in ‘missionary dating’ (missionary dating happens when we willfully enter a relationship with a 90% intention to change the man).

In my friend’s case, she never knew they would get married. All she was just doing was being a good friend, and in some ways, suggesting some things to Bassey which he took with a good heart. I guess this is where the difference lies. Besides, there is a thin line between this approach, and ultimately making a wrong decision, because in the real sense, not every Mr. Available has the tendency to become Mr. Right as it were.

What are the things that can make turn a Mr. Available into Mr. Right? Simply put, I’ll say when the things he possesses that you do not like do not fall under your ‘must haves’. Let’s say your ‘must haves’ includes – ‘honesty, God fearing, understanding, kind, does not abuse, and so on’, and he lacks 90% of this, he’ll naturally not be able to make it to your Mr. right. On the other hand, let’s say the man possesses 90% of your ‘must have’ and he lacks say- 50% of your ‘should have’, you might perhaps give time a chance and sees what becomes of it. By the way, ‘must have’ includes qualities you can’t do without in a man, while the ‘should haves’ includes the quality you desire, but can still do without in a guy to an extent. For instance, your ‘should have’ could include – ‘being organized, opens car door for you, knows how to cook, goes to the salon to do his manicure and pedicure, and so on’.

The bottom line remains never sacrificing our ‘must have’ in the name of being in a relationship or getting engaged. In other words, in everything we do, it would be good to give time and nature a chance. With someone who loves you, time might make him change for your sake (most time without him even knowing). With regards to nature, his willingness to be flexible and try new things could make him…

In all, Mr. Right or Mr. Available, let’s always weigh our options. Weighing our options gives us a chance of either walking away, or staying (being fully aware of what we are getting ourselves into). Besides, no matter the advice we get or article we read, let us never do without our intuition. For the most part, our intuition knows more than us and can accurately (most of the time) see into our future. If per any chance your intuition says no, kindly give the thought time instead of rushing into the marriage or relationship. And if in doubt, you can always pray- Christian, Muslim or otherwise.

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Taking Care of Ourselves

There is a popular advert for a quite popular antiseptic soap which says –“If I don’t take care of you, who will?” Have you ever thought about that sentence? As regarding yourself?

Taking care of ourselves might have been quite lovely if it all it entails is taking care of our bodies and physical appearance, but sadly (or maybe happily), it does entail more than that. Taking care of our bodies is the first step of all the steps to taking care of our whole selves.

There are three areas I would suggest we take care of ourselves based on our creation as tripartite beings.

Body:

We all know we should take care of our bodies. We are mostly addressed the way we are perceived even without saying a word. Our appearance is our first business card, being the very first point of contact. We want to look great and have a lasting impression, not only as a business person but as an individual. So we never can rule out taking care of our bodies. It is vital.

Soul:

Hmmmh, here comes the next one (in no particular order).

Many people confuse the soul with the spirit. They are two separate entities living in one body. The soul is the seat of our reasoning. It actively controls the distribution and interpretation of knowledge. When we read good books, watch great videos, attend great seminars, the soul benefits. The level at which we feed/ take care of our souls is the level at which it will give back to us. Essentially, it’s – Garbage in garbage out. It’s just like putting money in a personal safe at home- when you have it, you have it, and when you don’t- you don’t. A well fed soul will prosper. Little wonder Paul prayed and wished in the book of 3 John 1:2 that- “Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.” A healthy soul prospers, but it doesn’t just come. It comes with great efforts applied.

It is very essential to cloth our soul which houses our mind, with great things. Things that will benefit it and in turn benefit us too; even the world at large. Do not neglect yourself for any reason. Polish your mind as well as your body so when you speak and relate, you do so with a lot of dignity and wisdom.

Last but not the least-

Spirit

This is very vital and cannot be over emphasized. I wrote a poem sometimes ago and it has this to say about the spirit:

Feed your soul

It is the seat of reasoning

Feed your spirit

It is the seat of power-

The headquarters.

Feed your body

It is the seat of strength, vitality

And the vehicle of both the soul

And the spirit.

Three in one.

Total health

The spirit is vital, it is the breath, life and inspiration in us. As said in the poem, it is the ‘headquarters’ of who we are. One of the ways we can take great care of our spirit is by praying. Daily prayer helps sharpen our spirit man to receive from God and also to keep close and firm touch with Him, especially when we speak in tongues. According to Romans 8: 26-27, praying in tongues enables us to pray the exact mind of God. There are no mistakes in the words uttered when we pray in tongues even though we most times do not understand the utterances. It is our spirit in direct contact with God’s Spirit.

Reading the Bible is also one of the ways to take care of our spirit. Reading God’s Word is Him speaking expressly to us: He authored the writing of the Book.

We can also listen to great messages, read great books and worship.

Summarily, with regards to the spirit, Ephesians 6:10-18 encourages us to guard ourselves with truth, hold up the shield of faith so we can block out every fear, doubt that the enemy may throw at us, and also take up our sword of the spirit which is the Word of God, amidst other admonitions. Taking adequate care of our spirit will keep us well grounded in life, and in everything we do.

I would like to leave us with this thought: imagine a naked body walking all around who hasn’t taken her bath for years, haven’t brushed for years, no shaving, no cloth, no lotion, no ointment; basically nothing. Imagine the kind of odor and stench that would ooze out from such person? She would most likely amass a lot of pity and maybe fear in people as to the state of her mind. We don’t want to be like that woman with regards to our soul and spirit. We want to strive to keep learning and grooming ourselves to be the very best by investing daily in our soul, and spirit, just like we take our baths regularly and take great care of our bodies. We want to be intentional.

We may take great care of our sons and daughters, spouses, siblings….but’s let’s always remember- “if you don’t take care of you, who will?” The answer is nobody. Nobody knows you like you, and as a result, nobody can take great care of you like you.

This article though written by Eniola Olaosebikan first appeared on Tamara McCarthy's blog, 2017

Photo Credit: Tamara McCarthy

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Can This Be Why You Are Depressed?

What do you do when life seems to be slipping past you? When for some reasons, it seems you have lived your best days? When the days you looked ‘forward’ to are things that happened in the past? You look back and it was in some moments in the past that it appears you were happy the most? When the past to a great extent has now become a template for the future?

These are feelings I guess we all have at some points, but come to think of it, are they really real? Let me dissect it for you:

In primary school, you were taken care of by your parents (or guardian as the case may be), and on the average, life was good. Your uniforms were ironed for you, food was cooked for you and all. All you needed to do was wake up, clean up and head for school. That phase passed and secondary school life began. You made a lot of friends perhaps, and the fact that you are old enough to gist more, gave you the benefit of ‘enjoying’ life more. You laugh, you gist, you walk with a group of friends. You do a lot of things, and guess who foots the bill? Mummy and daddy/guardians (shout out to those who at this level were already fending for themselves).

After secondary school came university! What else could have been more fun? Freedom unlimited, and still, money from home to support. Here most likely, you made more crazy friends and had more crazy adventures. Yes, your studies ‘hindered’ your flow, but all together, you created memorable experiences with memorable people. You most likely came out with more laughter, valuable friends, and the likes. Again, life was good. If at all you served (did NYSC), Service most likely was a great year.

Real life started when you started job hunting. Well, lucky you- you found a job, and perhaps kept finding till you saw the one you felt quite comfortable with. For some, you travelled outside the country for your masters and other things and life couldn’t be more fun! You made brand new friends and saw life in a much different way. However after like a year or two, the whole experience came to an end, and real life came calling once again. Experiences to an extent became slow in coming up, memories (as an introvert) became less and less, till all you seem to have is yourself. All you did was go through the day, and life suddenly became ‘very tough’, with you looking forward to the memories of yesteryears. You begin to feel low and less motivated. Everybody in life seems busy, and have little or no time for you (and vice versa). Guess what? You begin to hold on to past memories and long for the ‘good old days’. Life becomes either too slow in passing, or perhaps too fast, with nothing seeming meaningful save the routines you are now used to. You get married, have children, and life continues...

You know what really happened?- Adulting.

Primary school right to secondary school, you had no worry as it were. You didn’t need to make any money, so your thoughts were less tensed, and even when they happen to be for whatever reason, you had friends all around you that brightened your day one way or the other. University as well, all you had to do was read. NYSC- Serve. Life started to get to you when all your responsibilities fell on you.

Life is like a mountain, the higher you climb, the more difficult it becomes as it were. With all the weights of life comes the feeling of being overwhelmed. And as well, the older we become on the earth, the more responsibilities we have to handle by default. Time from being a gift you gave to many becomes a scarce commodity. You become so consumed by your world, such that it becomes hard to come out. And poof! -  we stop making memories.

In the absence of new memories, old memories gradually become the height of our days. And slowly and slowly, we slip into depression either because we think no one really cares, or because we are so caught up in our world to the point that even though we seem to have some time to spare, we have little or no energy to spend it with people.

The issue of friends also kicks in. Unlike secondary and ‘Uni’ days, you have friends that would easily climb the world with you. Now, all you have are office/church friends whose friendships in most cases are no farther from the door of the office/church. You leave the vicinity, and that’s all. Well, you get married, give birth, and the trend seems to continue.

What are am I saying in essence? We seem to have a better yesterday because we do not take our time to purposefully create memories per time. We allow the ‘adult’ life to catch up with us. Back when we were younger, moments easily came to us, but now as adults, we have to consciously seek out moments. Yes, we might not have that large range of friends, and even if we do, they might be miles away, and I understand having trusted friends could be a challenge; and sometimes, the challenge might be money. But then, through it all, we have to make do of the little window we have. For all it’s worth, a trip to the Island to be with that friend might be worth it, and vice versa (talking from a Lagosian point of view. Island/Mainland).

One thing I have come to realize is- energy does not always come from books, video and audio motivations alone, it comes as well from hours spent having a good time with a good friend. It eases our burdens and makes us come back home with more vigour to face life. Perhaps it’s one reason men are usually energetic to pursue their goals, because they are always having ‘boys’ time- a time to free themselves of life’s burden, and as well unburden their minds.

Have fun. Create memories. Life is not that serious. This I write for everyone, but most especially- for introverts like me. Fun can be the missing link that has always made you weak and depressed. Stop being alone all the time. Pray to God for awesome friends and maximize them when they come. And as well, be an awesome friend yourself. This (fun) key if used will save you a lot of depressions and lack of energy. Live. Laugh. Work. Rejuvenate.

*NYSC- National Youth Service Corps (this is the process in which some levels of tertiary institution graduates in Nigeria serves their country for the period of one year, before officially job hunting).

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