Dear Teenage Me (2)

The last time we spoke, I talked to the little you- it was a really fun talk, as well as a humbling one. Today, I’ll take a visit to the teenage you, based on some things I know now. In as much as there are many things to say (about aunties, uncles, neighbours and friends), like we did during our last talk; today, I will talk  about something quite intimate and personal: beauty- your own beauty. Shall we?

First and foremost, what does beauty mean to you? oh wow, I see you trying to wipe your tears, you don’t know what beauty is. Your idea of beauty is that Papa tells you; when he tells you your ears are too big (just like your mother, he would add, so as not to feel harsh, even though him and momma divorced years ago and what they have for themselves is nothing but hatred). He would tell you too, that you are too black and that you are too thin. And because that was all you ever heard, to have the opposite of what he abused you for was your idea of beauty. So, you think you are not good enough, not to talk of being beautiful enough.

Remember too? Back when you were much younger, when you just changed your school and you were in Primary 4- how those new class mates of yours would tease you about your legs being long and bonny. I guess they also said you have a k-leg, right? So if the ears are gone, the skin is gone and as well the legs, what remains? What is left to make a beautiful body? And oh, remember uncle Tom? Daddy’s youngest brother who used to take you to school and take care of you then? Remember the things he did to you then? How he laid on you and did so many shocking things with you, asking you not to tell a soul? And so, what’s there to love about you, you’ve always asked yourself. Well, I will tell you something; it’s quite long, but then, if daddy does not call me in the next five minutes to welcome his younger sister- aunty Bola who just returned from England, then I will tell you everything.

First and foremost, you know that idea about beauty? That we are all meant to be a certain way? And that if you are not tall and fair you are not beautiful? It’s a lie. Guess my shock when I discovered it. I realized that the idea of saying we all should be the same even though we come from different family trees, is a big illusion. For how would you expect someone with short and sturdy parents to suddenly be tall and slender? How would you expect a parent who had had no history of fairness in their lineage to suddenly give birth to someone fair? Yes, for some reasons, these things can happen- when a baby comes to the world with a mind and skin of its own (as grandma would say when talking to Timileyin your younger brother who she just doesn’t understand).

So, back to my discovery. You remember catfish, right? it’s like saying a catfish and another fish specie coming together should give birth to a dog(!) Would that be possible? Yeah, in as much as they would give birth to a fish, it would be an entirely different kind of fish. Such are humans when we come together to have our child(ren). Of course, we would produce a human being, but the difference of our individual nature and specie would make us give birth to someone different- someone the world would never see again in form and nature. That means- as humans, we come once in a life time. We are actually not limited editions, we are masterpieces!- A glimpse of inspiration that flashes across once, in a specific form that would never again form again in another human specie (except for a doppelganger effect, which we both know does not exist. They were myths told and passed down to generations).

I wish I can tell you much more about beauty, but then I can hear aunty Bola’s voice at the background; daddy will soon call me, so let me just rush to tell you this before I go. Oh, something just came to my mind now! I will use it to explain better what I said the other time; Let me quickly rush through!

You remember Leonardo da Vinci?- Dad’s favourite artist of all time that he would always talk about? Remember the many masterpieces he produced as an artist? The same artist, different masterpieces? It is exactly what happens when humans produce. And it is one reason same parents can give birth to different individuals.

 You are a masterpiece. Your legs, the ear and all the things you have that daddy/others always mocked you for? Those are exactly the things that makes you you! Imagine if one day you walked into the living room with much smaller ears, a very fair skin, fat legs and all; would daddy still recognize you? I bet no, because the Febisola he knows is one that is exactly like you- slim, tall, lovely dark skin, lovely ears (even though he calls them big, who else in the world has them exactly like yours?) and all. Even he would disown you if you happen to walk into his house like that, at least for a minute, because you are no longer the idea of Febisola that comes to his mind when he imagines you.

All that said, who you are is unique. You are a walking breathing masterpiece. Once you are gone (in your old ripe age I pray), nobody else would be exactly like you. People might try to copy you, but none would be you exactly. Or have you seen another Michael Jackson? Another Frank Sinatra, or Maya Angelou? No, because they are gone and gone for life. That exact face of them cannot be naturally achieved, because we humans comes once in a lifetime, as a masterpiece of creation. So, relax babe, you are beautiful, just the way you are. Smile, because no one else is, and can be like you.

Daddy just called me now. I will come back to you later. When I come, I will talk to you about what is called self-awareness, and why you should have it, especially as the teenager you are. I will also talk to you about what uncle Tom did to you, and why you should not allow it define you anymore even though you’ve carried the memories and secret pain for years.

I love you my baby. Never give up on us, at least for me and you, because the you you become today, would affect the me I would become tomorrow. Trends and patterns it is called.

Article though written by blogger first appeared in Bella Naija - 23/03/2020

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Would Life Be Better Lived If Viewed From This Perspective?

What if you see life this way? – as a university. We all belong to this institution studying different courses. The only difference would be that unlike universities where we all know the courses we are studying, we do not necessarily know the course we are studying in this university of life until we actually finish the course. It is on the congratulatory message that we actually see the course we just studied for.

Let’s say for instance, as a student of life’s university, you are studying a course called patience, you would never know till you finish. All it would supply to you are the subjects you would need to finish the course.  Subjects in life’s university usually have to do with co-students (human beings) and their emotions. To pass a particular course in a semester, it might give you a sensitive boss for instance. And sometimes, depending on the level of patience you need, there might be many topics in the subject. The title of the subject could be – ‘a sensitive boss’. Under the ‘subject’ are topics such as a difficult co-worker, annoying new flat mate, bad bus drivers and conductors (especially for those that resides in Lagos Nigeria), etc. You get the gist? Now repeat a similar process for a course such as diligence, loyalty, perseverance and the likes. Besides, given this clue, what course can you say you are currently undergoing in the university of life?

Just like a university boasts of lecturers, and the likes, there are lecturers in this life’s university as well. Just as it is in real university, these lecturers can only teach you based on their level of understanding and experience. If you are fortunate, you go to one who knows the subject very well, and can guide you through your process of understanding. If the reverse is the case, and one meets someone who appears to know but does not actually know, the result of his teaching could lead you to frustration, and as a result, make you need further help.

No doubt, in real life universities, there are Professors. Well, in this life’s university, there is only one Professor. This Professor has successfully seen zillions of humans through life – right from birth, till exit. The amazing thing about this Professor is that he is patient enough to give each individual a personal template, especially in times of confusion and times we are dealing with very difficult ‘courses’. He is a basic line between us and our Creator. He is – The Holy Spirit.

The only way to access Him (who can also pass as a Grand patron of life university) is to acknowledge His Partners’ existence, and believe in them. Such way, He can basically receive information from them, and pass it on to us, so our lives can be lived with more ease while in the university (which fortunately/unfortunately takes a lifetime). If His partners are your enemy, there is no way He can bring information from them to you. And His partners? – God and Jesus. Him being one with them, you can’t accept Him, and reject the others. You have to accept the Lordship of the three, for you to have unrestricted access to them. All you have to do is say you accept their Lordship, and that they are welcome to guide you through life.

A reason why I started writing this article was to talk about the cycles of life. How we learn and unlearn in each cycle, and as well, how things we learnt in a last cycle can become a burden in the next cycle. Wanted to talk about the compulsory act of shedding, and adding in life, which (fortunately or unfortunately?) happen in cycles. I guess that might be a topic for another day, as the article instead of conforming to my wish, took a mind of its own.

I hope we are blessed? And perhaps received a little more clarity about life and situations? - That all things work together for our good in the end no matter how bad it seems or starts? I learnt something quite new with this article, I hope you did too. Till I see you next week by His Grace, keep being a great student of life. See you on graduation day (if you actually invite me by sharing your passed courses with the blog: the processes and how it turned out). Until then, much love.

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Throwback Wednesday: Let's Talk About Dreams...

Welcome to today's blog post.

We'll be going down the memory lane today, more like a throwback. I'll be (re)sharing my very first post on the blog. I hope you find some strength and faith as you read, just like I did while re-reading a while ago. So, let's talk about dreams...

"We all have dreams, we all have desires, we all have hopes.

We dream and talk so much of those dreams that we sometimes literally forget to start.  we have the believe/ thought that everything will work together someday. Will everything work together? Yes, but not without our effort.

We watch our mates move up the ladder, most of them doing what they love and we say to ourselves, sometimes, someday, the world will know me too. we forget that it takes a lot of hard work and self discipline to get things done. I guess if we all could talk without having to be an example, most people would want to encourage others on being the best they can be, without being one themselves. It takes little to talk, but it takes more to act and actually be it.

All said and done, what does it takes to be the best we can be per time? what does it takes to start? Most of us have an idea of what we want to be, at what time, at what age...only we have almost nothing in place to make them a reality. We know though, but also forget that a well orchestrated today is the foundation for the tomorrow we dream of.

Why don't you pick up that one thing it takes to start and start?

Pick up a little courage and let your passion keep you going.

What is it you want to be today? what is it you want to achieve? All it takes to start is a little courage-just a little."

Hope you were a bit encouraged? See you next week Wednesday by His Grace. Much love.

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Crazy Bridal Blues?

My friend Ipadeola had always wanted to get married. I could remember as a child growing up, she was the one who would always turn her wrapper into a princess dress, and sometimes even, wrap her mother’s white lace wrapper around her whole body to depict her being a bride.

Ipadeola’s childhood dream of marriage I would say was as a result of pop culture at the time, especially the books she read which told her ‘and they lived happily ever after’. Back then, Ipadeola’s desire of marriage was based on the fact that marriage would give you happiness, especially such you’ve never had before.  Who doesn’t want happiness, especially such that appears free and effortless?

But then, growing up and seeing the reality of life, the desire to get married to be happy slowly began to fade away. Ipadeola being an introvert, now desired to get married based on companionship and understanding. She wanted someone who would understand her, including all her seeming weirdness, and also serve as a soul companion to her. In the same vein, provided the person’s weirdness was not one that could make her lose her sanity and peace, she was willing to be all that to the person as well, given that as human beings, we all possess a degree of weirdness in us. So, someone who can accommodate hers, and she can accommodate his as well without each party losing any sanity, peace and friendship would be just fine.

Well, moving on to real adulthood, for some reasons, Ipadeola never found a man she would want to spend the rest of her life with. She resulted to being happy by herself, and just at the peak period she was enjoying her single life, a man walked in. They had an amazing relationship, and just about the time they were about getting married, Ipadeola started having some scares.

Ipadeola’s major problem as an introverted single was having more of younger people as friends, than people her agemate. By the virtue of the conferences she attends, and her job type, she realized that she is indeed surrounded by younger people (with age difference ranging from 3 to 9years). She had found it quite hard mixing with them initially, but then, having mixed with them through series of official outings and travels, she realized that life is indeed fun with loving and vision-filled people around- younger or older. As well, being a very beautiful lady, she garnered attention almost everywhere she went to, and to a large extent, she discovered those attentions got her favours.

Now that her boyfriend had proposed to her and it suddenly dawned on her that she might lose her friends (because they might want to respect her more now that she is married, and as a result, create distance between them, especially for the fact that she had found real friendship among them though younger to her in age), and also for the fact that the attentions and favours she got for being without a ring (single) and beautiful might soon be coming to an end. She also fears that she might not be able to go out like before, especially volunteer for causes like she always loved doing (most of which she meets these younger people that later become her friends).

Even though she loves the man she is with, and would in turn get married to him, she fears that she might have to start again, as things might change a bit drastically after marriage, especially based on the fact that much respect is attached to a married lady, and men (who naturally was just attracted to her beauty with no ring on her finger) may suddenly begin to distance themselves from her. Should she not wear a ring after marriage? She asked herself, asking me too in the process. Perhaps the fear is one major reason artists (male and female) tend to hide their marital status to keep their fans. The males to an extent do not want their female fans to know they are actively dating, engaged or married, and the females too do likewise to their male fans.

Speaking of brides-to-be, has any bride experienced this dilemma or something similar? Is it normal to fear missing being single as pertaining to these issues raised? What would be your response to her? Plus is it a normal experience in the first place? Especially for intending brides?

“No doubt marriage requires many changes, which I am willing to make, as this man is worth my company. The reason why I put this to you is to ask if it’s a normal feeling to have, going by the fact that I am an introvert and it took me time to have the life I have now as a single” – she said.

Is she just being unreasonable and fearful without a reason, or it's one of such feelings that comes to mind before marriage? Or she is too used to getting attention and natural favours (with no-string attached) just by the virtue of her head-turning beauty and fears losing it? Perhaps a case of someone who wants to eat her cake and have it back?

I’m sure she would be reading this and as a result, would appreciate your inputs.

Much love.

N.B – I know it’s tagged ‘bridal blues’, but do men also have this kind of feeling? – Being afraid of what married life would be like without your seeming norm as a single? What do you all think?

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