Letter To A Little Me

Dear little me,

How old are you now? 10? You are all giddy, full of life and of course full of hope. You see aunty Oreoluwa go to school and come back, so, you too want to go to school. You want to know what it is to attend a tertiary institution, leave home and live all by yourself. You also want to come back with new clothes and of course latest shoes. Above all, you want to be a graduate too, so you can wear that long gown and daddy and mummy can take a picture with you in it.

What do you know about life? Life is simple, life is fun, life is never complicated. Life is a progressive journey: you go to primary school; after primary school, you go to secondary school, and then university. You start working, get married and then become mummy and daddy yourself. What else could be more fun than that?

I know you have very high hopes about the future, but let me tell you something that’ll quite shock you. Life is full of detours and bends, but through it all, you have to know, that a bend in the road is never the end of the road. You have to press on and hard for what you believe in. Let me reveal a secret to you: at 29, you will not be married yet, but do not be alarmed and never lose hope. In due time, all things will work together for your good and the long road you’ve trod before now will be worth it in the end.

Let me shock you again. I know mummy is a lawyer and you want to be like her- you want to wear that wig and that flowing gown almost every day like her, but you will not become one. You will crave to be an actress and so follow the path. You will also study theatre arts in the university.

I know Uncle ‘Dasola told you about something called destiny. He told you in a very big and interesting way. According to him, destiny is what God has designed you to be; what you’ve been marked to be from the beginning of time. He told you no one can stop your destiny no matter what, hence that high fantasy you have about destiny. Well, listen to him, but here are some parts he failed to tell you; perhaps parts him too did not know at the time he was telling you. He was only fifteen, you know, and you are just ten:

Destiny requires a lot of work. Unlike what he said, it doesn’t just come. You’ll have to work real hard for it. Destiny is never a matter of “que sera sera, what will be will be”; destiny is you fighting with all you’ve got to get to where you believe and know you should be. Destiny is not a meal offered or served on a platter of gold, it is a sweet meal fought for and well deserved.

A whole lot of things counts in destiny. Things such as loyalty, integrity, the friends you keep and all. But let me tell you something interesting and of real value: treat people well. Handle people as gold; for in the end, you never know who a person will be and how in time and in future you would need their help.

Let nobody be small in your eyes, no matter what they are at the moment; even our current domestic help- Folasade; she will help you in a big way in the future. You remember ‘Sewa too?- The dirty girl at school who no one but you plays with? She’ll later become a big CEO, and she will be the one to make you up on your wedding day, come December.

Such is life, dear little me. Like I said earlier, it is full of detours. Beggars become princes and princes become beggars. Remember the Bewajis? That family that thinks they have it all in the street? The ones who don’t talk to anyone? Their business will later crumble. They will sell their house and move back to their village in shame. People would have helped them, but they will be too ashamed to ask for help – based on the way they treated people when they thought they had something.

You must never be proud at any stage in your life, no matter what you think you have, or the places you have been. Nothing in life is permanent, and if ever some things are permanent, it is our character and the way we handle seasons when they come that will determine if they remain permanent or not. If you have money and you do not handle it well, it will go; if you have it and handle it well, it will stay and even multiply.

In all, you need wisdom and faith in life to succeed. Wisdom gleaned from good books, and also that gleaned from the big historical book – the Bible – that book Mummy always forces you to read.

You will need to learn how to pray too; at different stages of your life, you will need prayers. And guess what? You have a friend that is ever close, a friend many years older than you but understands you perfectly. You really don’t know about Him now, but with time, the storms of life will reveal Him to you. You will later realise that He is all you have and all you will ever need. He is faithful and very loyal. That friend is God.

Hey little one, dreams do come true. It may take time, and perhaps not in the exact form you thought it would, but it will sure come true. Never lose hope, darling; hang on, even if on the thinnest of hopes. All things in the end will be well and worth it.

There is so much to say, and also many shocking stories about uncles and aunties to tell, but let me stop here for now. I love you dear little me; be strong for the woman you will become.

This article though written by the blogger, first appeared in Bella Naija, 25th August, 2017.

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Lessons Life Has Taught Me So Far

Looking back at the life I lived as a teenager/young adult and seeing how much I held virtually everything so serious, all I can do is ‘feel sorry’ for myself, especially at the life I had unconsciously let slip past me by being that serious. I hardly could remember going for parties or functions (not that I go to parties/functions now, but then, my not going now is by choice, rather than the self-imposed rule it was in some ways at the time). I also can barely remember playing freely like every other teenager; for it was always me placing myself on one deadline or the other- books to read, things to apply for, and so on. But then, do I have a regret of living such life? Maybe no, but maybe I could have done things a little bit different by taking myself a bit less serious a couple of the times. It takes a bit of adulthood to know the difference between putting yourself in a box, and being actually disciplined and focused.

Having spent a few decades on earth, I have come to realize some things I never factored in even as I planned my life to the letter as a teenager. I have come to realize that some situations wouldn’t always be black and white as I’d imagined- some were meant to be grey, because they actually are. I have also come to realize that sometimes, especially as a passionate individual, it’s ok not to know what you are doing; it’s ok to try things out when you are not sure till eventually you find your space.

I’ve also realized that sometimes you lose control of the life you once thought you owned, and at such times when everything either seems to be happening at once, or nothing seems to be moving at all, it’s ok to surrender- to surrender to the One who made you and planned the life you would live in the first place. I have also come to realize, beyond what is being said which sometimes feels like a cliché, that really, the place of surrender is the most beautiful place, it is the very place where everything (buried) blooms.

Being a believer of God and His Words, entering into His rest as admonished in Hebrews 4, and ceasing from my own struggles (especially the struggle of how exactly I want my life to be), I have seen things unfold in ways I couldn’t have imagined if I had not let go. I have had things only God, and never myself could have given. In surrendering to God, especially in my troubled times, I have come to know who He is (on a personal note), as well as experience the things I never could have in my wildest imagination imagined.

No doubt, adulting comes with a lot of lessons, but then, letting go and gracefully choosing to live one day at a time would make sure you not only outlast your bad seasons, but that you also find courage and strength to deal with whatever you have to deal with per time, especially as an adult weaned of childhood fantasies by life, and made to face the reality of it, especially the uncontrollability of it to an extent.

Besides, reading Michelle’s book (Becoming), has taught me to take life easy; living one day at a time and giving my all to the day as it passes. It has also taught me that with the life we are living, our life’s story is being knitted together like a dough, with us going from phase to phase. It has taught me, especially through the life of her husband, as explained in the book that every single thing we have done/will do will lead to the ultimate end no matter how unimportant/insignificant it appears to be. For Barack Obama, her husband, his work the project VOTE!, which he did many years before becoming the president ended up being an advantage for him as he campaigned for his own presidency, while Michelle’s job at Public Allies (amidst other jobs) prepared her for the role destiny would later ‘throw’ at her- the First Lady role.

In ending this post, I would love to encourage us all to trust our processes, even when they appear so bleak; for in the end, with hardwork and authenticity, everything would make sense, and eventually work together for our good as promised if we faint not. The phase may seem hard and challenging now, but you never know how helpful it would be down the line, and how extremely sorry you would have been if you had not gone through it. Believe, trust the process and surrender, enjoying each moment as they come.

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What Exactly Is Love?

Love is patient, love is kind, love is this, love is that – these things are all easy to say. However, considering the negative things that happen even when we say we are in love, one cannot help but ask what love really is.

Growing up, I remember writing a very hateful letter to my dad once – the same daddy that I love as well. Sometimes, when our spouse does something we think is ‘annoying’ to us, at that moment, everything called love is thrown away, leaving us with resentment and sometimes, vengeance.

No doubt, there are many classifications of love, but asides the agape kind of love (which sometimes becomes incomprehensible), is there any other form of love that can be said to be unconditional? Is there love that does not change with feelings or deeds? Feelings in the sense of the emotions we have when they do something that goes down well with us, and deeds in the sense of their actions that are pleasing to us.

No doubt we love our parents and we love our partners as well, but, things tend to go wrong when they offend us. This can make us throw every teeny bit of love we have for them away at that instant and almost immediately, we replace these ‘feelings’ of ‘love’ with some form of coldness.

So is love a feeling, or a state of mind?

Some married couples, when asked if they love their spouse, replied that they do not know. This is shocking to me. I thought love was supposed to be the bedrock of every marriage! So if you do not know if you love your spouse or not, what then is the bedrock of your marriage? This, I usually ask myself, especially when I see couples who have lovingly been together for over 10 years, 20 years and more.

Is love based on the emotions of what one’s spouse does for one, or on the deep reality that this person is a good person and always means good for us? Is love actually a feeling that goes and comes, or one that stays and goes nowhere? Or perhaps an accumulation of all the good deeds only, leaving no space for the seemingly bad days?

For Temi, when asked if she loved her spouse, her reply was yes. When asked why and how she knows, a reply was not forthcoming. This made me wonder how love truly is between couples. A school of thought says that when you love your spouse, you love him or her for no reason (this may be why it was hard for Temi to explain why she loved her husband. For her, it was a feeling with a particular kind of depth and awareness that she could not explain).

Another school of thought says one way to know if you love your spouse is to examine the reasons why you are with him in the first place. In other words, the reasons why you are with him would show you if you love him or not. The question now is: if you are with him for reasons that can be classified as selfish in some ways, would you still say you love him? Let’s say you are solely with him for the comfort he gives, his soft-spoken nature, and the fact that he meets all your needs and beyond, would you still call that love? Considering that love has been said to involve some forms of service and not just what we can get or solely what suits us?

Because I have no firm answer to these questions – especially ‘categorical’ opinions about the various schools of thought involved in love and loving a person – I’ll push this to you: What really is love? Do you think true love is when we love with reason, or without reason?

I’ll be looking forward to reading your answers in the comment session.

This article though written by the blogger, first appeared in Bella Naija on the 10th of November 2019.

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What Is The One Thing That Should Remain When Your Dream Fails?

Now in my 30s, I realize that as a younger individual, it is much more easier to dream and have all the faith in the world. But then, as one progresses in life and experiences myriad of failures and disappointments, the zeal in some ways begin to go down, and we begin to tell ourselves “I’m taking it easy on life”, when in actual fact, we are actually giving up and taking life as it comes- good or bad. 

In as much as taking life as it comes to an extent might not be a bad idea (as for real, all our dreams would not come true verbatim i.e as we wrote/dreamt them); we must know when to allow life take its course, and also when to stand our ground, disallowing it to dictate everything that happens to us. For majority of the time, if we allow life to always have its way, we’ll never amount to anything. Imagine an Isaac Newton never striving to become anything significant asides the occupation of a farmer it appeared life had thrown at him? Especially such his mother thought was best for him? Or someone like Abraham Lincoln, saying,- ‘ok, I’ve tried being elected into the post of a president a couple of times, now I’ll try no more. I’ll just keep being the lawyer life has made me to be.’?

No doubt, we must sometimes prepare ourselves to live a little space for life to happen in its own way, we must not withstanding not let go of one paramount thing through it all- our zeal.

Zeal is one thing we tend to lose as we grow older, because life in some ways has a way of ‘sucking’ our primal zeal till we are left with the choice to keep refilling per time, or simply give up. But then, majority of the time, we choose the later because refilling our zeal/passion takes everything in us. It takes a lot of determination and pursuit never to give on the things we desire and know deep down we should become. This brings me to one question- what do you do when your dream fails? And not just when it fails, but when it fails over and over again? Just what do you do?

Having been through the phase and still passing through it, one thing I would say (which is the bedrock if you ask me) is- Never give up on hope. You may lose everything, but never give up on hope. Because hope, is like a single burning coal that can ignite fire when brought close to dry and cold coals. Hope is that thing that should never leave us no matter how little we have left per time. With hope, we can always find the courage to try again, think our situations through and search in deep within us to know if to try again with the past method, add some more or things, or totally let go of the idea to give something else a trial. Hope, is that thread that hangs us on even when all things around us are falling.

Times we need to change our ways to make our dreams happen, hope is that thing that would nudge us and give us the courage to start all over again knowing with faith that all things would be fine in the end. It is that that makes us enlarge/change our networks/relationships if need be, makes us attend conferences that’ll help us in our pursuit, as well as give room for others to assist us (as no one tree makes up a forest), and also makes us assist other people either as an act of kindness or learning.

In some ways, things will always go wrong as it were, but one thing that would keep us going and steady, is hope. Hope is the bedrock of all we ever want to be. It is that coal, that fire that must never die. For when hope is gone, everything is gone and all we’ll become would be walking zombies, doing things to pass out time while we await death, which my friends- is a scary way to live. As a result, never give your hope a chance to die, whatever it would take. Keep it alive always, no matter the efforts required. Do not acquiesce with life. Keep going. Keep moving. And take hope along. Endeavour to make it your best friend, as close to you as your own shadow.

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Taming The Voices In Our Heads

To an extent, life wouldn’t be the battle it is, if not for the voices in our heads. The voices makes us feel inadequate and somehow unsure of ourselves. They make us feel, and act awkward in a crowd of people. We’re constantly thinking of the things we are not doing right, instead of the things we do right and rather effortlessly.

At first, it starts as just our own inner voice. It is the voice, as a child, that makes us compare other kids’ cloths, toys and shoes with ours, making us feel inadequate and discontent in the process.

As we grow older, the voice make us compare not only material things, but also abilities, in ways that are destructive to our growth and development, and more especially our self-esteem. With time, because of the dominance of this voice, we begin to feel less of ourselves. This voice also makes us conscious of ourselves in ways that makes it difficult for us to fit easily into groups, by sometimes making us feel like an unwanted face in the crowd.

It would have been good if this voice remains as one; however, over time, it splits into that of mummy, daddy, aunty, siblings, friends and even strangers telling us unpleasant things about ourselves, in ways that seemed too real not to be true. When you’re older you realize it’s false. The voice is indeed great at gathering negative voices from all the places we’ve ever been- our childhood, schools etc and makes those voices have a stronghold on us.

The saddening thing about these voices is that they tell us things in ways that makes us believe them. They make sure to appeal to our reasoning by putting up seeming evidence, which ends up to be false majority of the time. These voices become a part of us and they move with us everywhere we go, in ways that makes us extremely conscious of ourselves based on the lies they tell us.

What do we do to tame and control the voices in our heads?

One good tip would be to know ourselves for real: both the good and the bad truths about who we are. Knowing our real selves is the first good way to falsify all the suggestion these voices brings to us because the reason we become so confused and overtaken by the voice in the first place is because we do not know ourselves in a sufficient degree.

How do we get to know ourselves? Introspection; getting to know the things we like and the things we do not like, our values, and belief system and why they are actually important to us. Getting to know ourselves involves us challenging the image we put up of ourselves and why. The good news is that the more we know ourselves, the easier it becomes to discard the negative voices in our head, because we know at first glance how false it is. In all, getting to know ourselves reduces the hold the voices have over us.

After self awareness is self affirmation. Do this daily. Affirmation not only acts as a shield from the negativities of the day, but also the negativities of our own mind. Besides, the act of affirming ourselves constantly provides a ready antidote for these voices.

As hard as it sounds, we might need to pay attention to the voice, especially when its ridicule about something is becoming consistent. We pay attention, not because we want to believe that’s who we are, but because we want to unravel the reason why it thinks that’s who we are. For the most part, getting to the root of something is the best and sometimes only way of disarming it, because when we cut things from the root, they never grow back – unlike when we keep cutting the stem and the branches. Getting to the root might hurt and perhaps take a while, but in the end would be worth it.

In addition to all these listed tips, it might also be helpful to turn to our religion for help because majority of the time, our religion points us to who we are and eventually- who we should become. So with that, we can actually program our pasts and present thoughts into desired outcomes.

Conclusively, overcoming the voices in our head is a conscious and continuous effort.  We can achieve this by paying attention to ourselves and never living in denial as a way of suppressing them. For effectiveness and ease we might want to make reading and listening to/watching great audios/videos a part of our everyday life. This is because reading and listening to/watching great audios/videos help to expose the depth of what we think about ourselves and why. It also provides the avenue to fix these thoughts, provided the right books/audios/videos are read/listened to/watched. With active and adequate knowledge exposure, we can always reprogram the voices in our heads in such a way that would make us rise above every form of limitation they seek to bring into our lives.

P.S: As you fight your way through the voices in your head, it would be helpful to know that you are not alone; we all have it, the best and worst of us, royals and commoners, rich and poor. Rather than fight yourself for having the voice, divert all your energy to fighting the voice and insist on winning.

This article though written by the blogger, first appeared in Bella Naija- 6th April, 2018.

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‘Daddy Issues’ And Such Pain It Causes

I never want to sleep with him again. As a matter of fact, I do not enjoy the sex despite the many screams I make myself make just to raise his ego. If I had my way, I would tell him he stank, I would tell him to wash his teeth a thousand times a day, but who was I to tell him all of those?

He on the other hand acts and sulks like a baby when I reject his advances. He makes it feel as though the whole world has crumbled at our feet; so, majority of the time, out of guilt, I give in to him (or for the most part, knowing how sulky he would become, not reject his advances at all). I wouldn’t know why sex is so much food for him despite him being a married man.

On the other hand, all I wanted, I wanted from him without a touch. I wanted a sense of security, being loved, and for the most part- being wanted. My daddy- a military man while growing up had no time for us, especially for the fact that we were all girls. He would travel all around the country with no responsibility of being a family man, especially a father. He had no idea how much we his daughters needed his presence in our lives. Times he came back, he was like a lion in the house, even in the neighbourhood. Perhaps he thought roaring every time like a lion would chase away men from our house- our house being a bevy of ladies. He would as well leave his sense of terror hanging in the air when he travelled, so men who once knew what his roar looked like, would stay meters away from his house, especially his wife.

My mum as well was a ‘mechanical’ mother.  She was as ‘hard’ as my dad and never knew how to hug. The first, and perhaps last time we hugged was when she was on a sick bed- before she died. That day, I had been so much lost in deep emotions that I had finished hugging and holding her tight before I got to remember hugging was never a part of routine for each other. However, she died the next day.

I’d always longed for someone to love and hold me- that male presence. Coincidentally, my dad has grown old too, wanting all the attention he never gave, but alas, it’s too late. I already learnt to live without him by finding ‘solace’ and ‘love’ in the hands of men who managed to say hi. I’ve found their maturity compelling, especially enough to make me feel seen (noticed), loved, and in some ways- accepted. The way they expect me to respond was giving them back sex. That was the language their own brokenness understood.

The men as well gives me money- in a way that makes me feel like a child, as though I was five again and being catered for; only this time around more keenly. The crave for the loving sense of a man led me to hanging around with men old enough to be my elder brother, and even fathers, and with time though unplanned- made me sleep with them since it felt sleeping with them was the only way I would feel the love and sense of warmth and security a part of my heart needed.

This is not a blame game session. I take responsibility for every action of mine, but what if my dad had constantly told me he loved me? And what if he actually showed it and I felt safe in his person, even in his absence? What if my mum too had hugged me almost every time and told me literally all day how much I meant to her? What if I had felt safe and secured in the shadow of my father? What if he actually made me feel loved, welcomed and keenly cared for- would I have been in the mess I am today? Besides, what mess do you think I am at the moment?

My name is Lara, and above is a little part of my story. We’ll get to talk some other time on the blog I believe. #DaddyIssues.  *sighs*.

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I Need A Spouse!

I remember a friend of mine who just passed the age of 30 at the time, saying indirectly to me through all her words and actions- ‘I need a spouse!’. This was a lady who had had all you would think a lady should have, especially based on the ‘African’ mentality, and so, it was only natural and ‘logical’ for the next thought to be marriage.

I could remember us talking outside my house at the time. She was telling me how she wanted to go to a ‘power must change hands program’, and as well, change some things about herself, such as the church she attended. The church we both attended was more of a family and student church; the one she wanted to start attending was in a city miles away from where we stayed, a place she felt had more single men, and as a result, would increase her chances.

She was older than me at the time (and of course- still is), but then, God in His supremacy put a word for her in my mouth then, and the word was – wait. I reminded her that God indeed sees us, and He no doubt knows exactly where we are. Because He knows exactly where we are, it’s so easy for Him to make the things we need come to us, right about the time we actually need it. And so, the word that came to my mouth as a form of encouragement to her was to tell her to wait, and if she can, not bother to change her church and just trust that the love of God would bring that that she needed right to her.

In as much as that appeared like a simple piece of advice, it was quite a tough one. The fact was that we were in a student environment, asides from the fact that there were so limited Africans, or any form of Africans in the place. Most Africans one would find there are either schooling, or married. In my friend’s case, she was not schooling; she was working, which made her case quite a difficult one. The people around her were much younger, or much older and married. And she wanted an African.

Well, fast forward to months after the advice, and some series of us praying together, a new man came to town- an African man, from her very country, who was not there to school, but to work: A pharmacist! Well, your guess is as good as mine, they are happily married now.

What are you going through today? Especially such that cuts across as hopeless? I want you to know that God sees you, and knows exactly where you are. All you need to do is to recognize His voice per time and listen. My friend was smart enough to see God in what I said, even though if you asked me, I would say I was just encouraging her, as a believer I am, but she recognized the voice of God in the little thing I said that seemed to make no sense to a desperate soul like hers at the time. 

Be patient. Listen. If God says move, move. If He says be still- do all your best to be still and trust Him, knowing fully well that everything He has in mind lies in your best interest.

Till I come your way again, let’s all keep waiting (if He says wait); moving (when He says move) and more importantly- trusting Him. Do enjoy the remaining days of the week, and much love.

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The Age We Live In: The Struggle For Acceptance

My name is Lauretta. I am a graduate. I earn eighty thousand naira monthly. I work in one of the new generation banks. I love wearing expensive shoes, and also carrying expensive bags; all which my salary cannot buoyantly support. Let me tell you what I do with my salary.

• I pay house rent- a rent of four hundred and fifty thousand naira a year (I live in Abuja and I live in town. Someone like me has no time to live in suburbs. What would people say, especially my high and good friends? No).

• I feed myself

• Pay for my transport to work (I take cabs of course)

• Recharge my big phones

• Buy things I do not need nor want but fits into the list of what I should have to earn social respect and somewhat acceptance.

• …And lots more

I’m fair, elegant and poise. When you see me, you’ll think you just saw a billionaire’s daughter, or better still, a celebrity. I’m the kind of person a guy would look at twice, and a lady would look at five times, because they feel intimidated or threatened by my presence. To round it up, my fair skin is as fresh as a baby’s. I am every man’s dream in terms of beauty, especially those who love their women fair, bright and extremely beautiful.

I carry Gucci bags, Michael Kors etc (I mean the original ones); all which my salary could not afford. So how do I live? You’re right- I live on credit. I’m too decent to prostitute myself and take money from men to afford my lifestyle. I’m working hard, but my current hard work and the kind of money I desire is not at par so, credit seems to be the only way out.

So why do I do all I do? Just four words. I want to impress. I want to impress all of my friends; both the high ones and the low ones. I want the low ones to be proud of me, and I want to fit into the league of the high ones so I don’t get looked down upon; and also so I would fit into their conversations the few times I saw them and we gisted.

Does it matter if my account is always in red and everything I do or buy has to be extra calculated? Maybe no. Does it matter that some days I have nothing to eat in the self-contained apartment I once used my six months’ advance salary to beautify? Again no. Does it matter I owe a lot of people so much money so much that I have no idea how to pay back? No. So what matters? The fact that people look up to me; especially my fashion sense, and the fact that I do not feel all left alone in misery and poverty.

**

Why do we struggle for acceptance? So much so that we would go to any length to get it and to prove a point? Come to think of it: who cares about your point anyway? The highest perhaps you’ll get is social respect, at the expense of your credit respect (financial respect). Why don’t we all live satisfied lives?

Let me tell you a truth: people who love you will love you truly for who you are no matter what you wear or what you do not wear. Why buy false love with deceit? Why do we compare and compete at our own expense, especially knowing what would be at stake? Funny enough, the people you think you are competing with, can afford the lifestyle they live comfortably – so why do you want to be a wannabe?

You really don’t have to go all out at your own expense to impress people. People who truly love you will be impressed with the lifestyle you have and the little you have. I love my close friends for who they are regardless of what they wear or do not wear. Their worth to me is never in what they wear, or who they carry; but who they are. Their worth to me is in their character: the integrity and loyalty we’ve spent years building and spending together. The worth of true friendship is not in competition; it’s in stillness and peace knowing that you can be whatever you want to be with them, and you do not have to pretend in any way. The worth of true friendship is in the honesty and truthfulness shared; when you both can open up before one another and feel no shame. You should encourage one another and make each other feel better… knowing fully well that it’s just a phase and it will soon pass.

Think about this today; who are your friends and why do you do what you do? Do you want what they have? If yes, to what extent would you go to get it? Besides, the people you have now and you call friends, do they inspire you to be better or competitive? One advice I’ll give: stay on your lane and walk on your path. Compare your life to no other, because in the end, nobody really is like you. Nobody has your exact eyes, nose, legs, arms etc. You are simply unique; stop trying to be general, when in actual fact you are special.

Know that everybody is busy living their own lives, busy fighting their own battles such that they have no time to recognize the point you’re trying to make that is sinking you. If you would prove a point, I’d rather it be an intellectual one – one that’ll bring you joy, fulfilment and contentment; not one that makes your account red perpetually for no tangible reason.

I want to challenge you to look into your heart for your intentions for everything you do, and work on yourself as much and hard as you need to be so you can be better; your life can truly be an inspiration to people in every sense of it.

This article though written by the blogger, first appeared in Bella Naija- 4th September 2017.

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Guest Writer Adeteju Adeniran Asks- What Defines Me?

I casually joked with a colleague whose name was Kelvin, I asked if his own Kelvin was Kelvin Hart or Kevin Costner. Another colleague pointed out how Kevin Costner had lost most of his hair and was no more the looker he used to be. That statement got me thinking about trends in my space for the past two months.

I went on a training recently and by the time I came back, a building very close be my office had been possessed by court order and eventually the process of demolishing commenced. As of yesterday, the whole building had been demolished. I wondered how things could change in such a short period of time.

As I walked home from work, I observed a complex where I usually shop for cosmetics and I saw that it was being demolished too. I wondered again at how things could change in such a short period of time.

As humans, we need to be able to define where our identity stems from and one big lesson I have learnt, and I am still learning is that your identity must stem from the intangible.

Some of us get our identity from our jobs, the question is what if that job ceases to exist tomorrow, will you also cease to exist? The point is nothing in life is certain. You are not your job or whatever you do to make a living.

For some other group, their identities are gotten from their relationships. This also is dangerous; we all need to be able to look inwards and not derive our identity from our relationships. What if that loved one passes on tomorrow or that friend betrays you? Remember that man at its best is still a man. Also, you shouldn’t forget the dangers of putting your trust on a mere mortal like you.

Beauty and looks for some people are what defines them. Well, if that is it- remember that age will come and no matter how hard you try to defy it, it will take its course. Beauty is fleeting, anything can take it away.

The last, which is the most common is that- people derive their identities from their possessions which in my opinion, leads to a life of struggle and the need to always want to amass and amass. Coming from a religious angle and drawing from the Good Book, remember Jesus once said- “beware of covetousness, the worth of a man is not in the abundance of the things he possesses”. That was why Job’s wife told him to curse God and die. She was indirectly telling him that ‘you have lost everything and that makes you a nobody- there is no longer any reason for your existence’. But Job knew better, he knew that all he had gotten was from God.

After so much pondering on the uncertainty of life, I came to conclusion that my identity should stem from my faith in an unfailing God and the work that Christ wrought on the cross on my behalf. This will develop my values from the intangible and form who I become. My Identity is rooted in the God who causes all things to work together for my good. So, no matter what life brings my way, I am not moved, I know fully well that the things which are seen are subject to change but the things which are not seen are eternal.

What are your thoughts on these, has any occurrence really explained the uncertainty of life to you and how did you scale through?

Written by Guest writer- Adeteju Adeniran

Photo Credit- Adeteju Adeniran

Story Reference from the Good Book- Luke 12:15; Job 2:9-10

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My Recent Experience Online

Wouldn’t it be just fine to write a brilliant article that won’t be all in your face as the writer? That’s sometimes what I wish I can write but for the values we share intimately on the blog: values such as openness, love, and honesty. So today, like always, I would be ‘speaking’ to myself, even as I try to ‘speak’ to us all.

Recently, I was going through some hurdles, as well as trying to make a major decision. I tried reading and asking people that have gone ahead some questions, which to some extent, helped me form a clearer opinion about the matter. But then, one thing kept reverberating- my mind kept going back to a particular story I read online more than a year ago. Then lo and behold, reading the article again, I felt so much peace and it did seem as though a burden was rolled off me, in addition to the conviction I got afterwards. This experience opened me up to the power of stories, especially such that exists in telling our own stories.

Being Nigerians (and as well Africans), I know sharing personal stories (especially that of our struggle) is not something that comes to us easily. But then, at this point, especially this age where the younger ones are growing with little help and guidance as it were, telling our stories the way they are could help. As parents, telling our kids life-truth about us would go a long way, and not just stories of “when I was your age, I used to be the first in the class” that puts nothing but pressure on the child. Most likely, the owner of the story I read would have no idea how much her story has helped me, especially how through its practicality, it has served as a form of guidance.

This no doubt is an issue I naturally wouldn’t have loved to bring up, because it spanks me as the author. I am more of a private person and I hate putting myself out there as it were. But then, this experience to an extent has given me a different perspective to life. We all are sojourners on this earth and no one person knows the entirety of the way. As a result, it would be good to learn from each other, especially from people who have gone ahead with proven track record. No doubt there are times we would be led outside of people’s experience, there are also times, like the one I just experienced, that we would be led by the experiences of our predecessors in life.

This is not to say we should put all of our lives out there. It is just to encourage us to put the bits out as we are led, especially the stories of our struggles and how we overcame. For all we know, the exact way we went about getting our deliverance might be someone else’ hope, encouragement and even deliverance in itself. 

Our stories can be shared through oral tellings, social media handles (so people can read and be inspired); as well as forms of interviews on radio, TV, magazines and prints. I guess the time has come for us all- both introverts and extroverts, to throw pieces of ourselves out there and hope it comes back to us as gratitude, for the lives that would be touched in the end (that sometimes we'll know nothing about).

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Between Movies And Real Life Happenings

Have you ever watched a movie without a conflict and loved it? Conflict in the sense that the hero of the movie had a straight journey and everything he/she was meant to achieve he/she achieved without any obstacle? If ever such movie exists, what would you do after watching it? (that’s even if the annoyance you feel allows you to watch it to the end, because you wonder- why make such a movie in the first place?).

Except for the advent of fantasy movies and science-fictions, movies majority of the time are similitude of the real life. Meaning- life was never meant to be easy. And in the face of all we go through that appears to make our journeys difficult and almost impossible, we must seek to conquer.

Basically, how do we conquer? By keeping our eyes on the end result, and holding on to all the faith we can muster; for it takes faith and firm believe (asides from factors such as hard work, diligence, smartness and all) to make it to the end of our journey and be victorious like the heroes/heroines we see in movies and fall in love with the idea of them.

At the end of our lives, if we do not give up, there would be people who would watch our lives like a movie and smile happily at the end of it, because they are happy we never gave up despite all. Our lives as well would serve as a means of hope to them, as well as give them the courage to face their lives and journeys head-on.  

No doubt, our best lives lies ahead of us, our toughest ones does too. As a result, winning becomes more of a choice than a destiny as it were. Our lives though already scripted, we'll have to choose, just like the actors, to fight our battles. Without the actors will and effort in the movie, the movie is nothing but a script; no life. Think about this.

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