Merry Christmas!!! I Have Something To Tell You!

It’s the end of the year. I bet by now we will have so many lessons, trainings, talks and articles on how to start 2020. Acronyms such as SMART, in relation to our goals for 2020 would be all over the place.

In the midst of what seems to be ‘normal’ for this season, especially for the fact that it is said that a new decade is upon us, I would love to tell you something different; and this would be my word of advice for the year 2020- Start small and steady.

Why do I advise a ‘small’ start? It’s because great things build up. Just yesterday, I read something I find to be true in some ways- it says- "In the real sense, there is nothing new about the 'new year', it's a continuation of dates and time..."- Ajayi Adebayo.

Somebody I see as a mentor once talked about a runner who was popular in the 80s and early 90s- Carl Lewis. Almost all through his career, he seemed to maintain a chain of wins/break records, especially when he was running the marathon. It soon was discovered that one major reason he had all that win was because he started his race with steady efforts, instead of starting like others who at the very beginning would exhaust themselves with too much zeal. His steady nature, especially at the beginning provides the strategy with which he uses to end the race strong by giving all his energy to the last quarter of the race, when all others would have been tired, even if they wanted to give the race their all.

In other words, as the new year comes, do not be scared into making gigantic decisions and goals, just because everyone around you is. Like the sentence rightly said, a new year is basically the continuation of the life you have lived thus far. While it always seem as a good time to appraise oneself and have new goals, it might not always be an avenue to start all fresh. It might actually be a time to build on the premise of the things done last year. Besides, starting small and steady seems to build/sustain strength and energy over time, unlike starting with so much energy (which most of the time, brings about early fatigue).

Based on a number of factors, most countries/companies start their ‘new years’ at different times of the year. For some organizations, their new year starts right in the middle of the year; mostly referred to as ‘financial year’. For human beings as well, if we give a deep thought, our new year basically starts on the date of our birth anniversaries (our birthdays), and probably not necessarily on the first of January of every year. Starting the new year steady and celebrating every seeming win in the process helps in building energy, as well as a clear head for making decisions, thereby taking away undue pressure

Not saying the natural and general new year cannot present an opportunity to start afresh, just saying it should not be an avenue to mount undue pressure on yourself. Someone that started a project some days to January 1 might do himself a bit of harm trying to start another one without finishing the one he started prior, all because of a new year. Projecting our goals should not be just on general new years, but at every phase of our lives, be it quarterly or biannual.

If you happen to be a person of the Spirit, search out your goals using your spirit, because only then (coupled with prayer and fasting) can adequate strength be released, and you wouldn’t just get tired at the middle of the road (and sometimes at the very beginning!), due to ‘mere’ resolutions and all, backed with no power or conviction whatsoever.

Meanwhile, today being the very last Wednesday of the year, I would like to wish us all a Happy new year in advance. More importantly, I would like to shout – MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!, today actually being Christmas day. As well, I would like to say a big thank you to you for being with me every step of the way. Thank you for reading the different articles posted on this blog, as well (and perhaps more importantly), for sharing them on your whatsapp statuses and social media pages. I am indeed VERY grateful, and I love you all. 

See You next year by His Grace (Next week Wednesday is actually the 1^st of January!). See you then!

N.B- If there are some deals you need to close, especially such that can only be closed in January, please by all means, do your best to close your deals. The idea of starting small and steady is an attempt to take undue pressure off you, and to make you celebrate your little wins instead of the big wins we seek to achieve based on ‘new year resolutions’, which majority of the time, ends up weighing us down a while into the new year. This is not an article to encourage laziness or complacency, but one to encourage stability, especially one that leads to amazing results through constant and conscious efforts, as well as adequate planning.

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Guest Writer Emmanuella Obumaese: Let The Person In You Emerge!

Man comes as a drop of semen and leaves as a piece of dust. Doesn’t know when he came and doesn’t know when he is leaving. As simple as it sounds, everyone is here for a purpose and with a unique and specific gift. We all have dreams and see visions through our minds- what to be and become. That very thing in us that wants expressions is actually what the world needs from us. 

We cannot choose our parent; we cannot choose our origin not even our height or complexion but we can chose to take a decision.

As humans created with purpose, we sometimes have unpleasant feelings when it has to do with coming out of our comfort zone to manifest our purpose and talent(s): a disharmony that comes when we are not so sure of what the outcome of our decision would be in terms of feedback from the environment. As a result, majority of the time, we are left with the option of not expressing our inner strength.

However to become the person God really made, we must take a decision.

The decision is to Become! To give our inner self an outward expression that would be beneficial to humanity. A decision to contribute in making the world go round, without which we would be mere existing beings with no bearing. 

In giving expression to what we see in our inner self, we need to focus on  what we see in our mind, eyes, and press towards its realization, irrespective of the utter despise and rejection from our immediate environment.

As our topic implies- EMERGE! It means to become visible, prominent, unfold and simply to come out. Permit me to ask this!  You want a life? Get one! Do something about what you see in your mind.  Always take a step to become visible and prominent even if it looks like you are taking one step forward and two steps backward.

To all the young people out there; a couple of encouragements I have for you are as follow: 

1. Do not pretend to be who you are not. 
2. Bring out your own style and find a symbol to always remind yourself of who you are and want to become so you don’t drift out of your vision.
3. Go out of your normal routine to achieve your dreams even if it feels demanding.
4. Be confident at all times and be prepared for anything.
5. Be honest with yourself and never be scared of change.
6. Resist the temptation to despise your little talent as the biblical phrase goes "But of what difference would this make among so many?"
7. Create the life you deserve because the world won’t give you what you deserve, only the things you reach out to and get for yourself comes to you.
8. Build up your self-esteem. No more standing at the shadows.
9. Take on the stage and emerge.
10. Don’t be with anyone who does not believe in you.

Photo Credit: Emmanuella Obumaese

About the writer: Emmanuella Adjoshoghene Obumaese is a professionally trained counselor, Child Mentor and a seasoned educationist. She speaks in career conferences and seminars in view of the generality of life and spheres with special interest on the wholeness of human personality. Emmanuella resides in Lagos Nigeria and can be reached on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.

Lessons Life Has Taught Me: Handling Phases, Seasons and Issues.

Being someone with a baby face as it were, before now, I’d thought that if I attain a certain phase of life, a jolt of respect or honour as it were would be attached to my name, especially my face. But then, now at the phase I’d always thought there would be a difference regarding some things in my life, especially such that would ‘invalidate’ my baby face, I found myself to be struggling with the same thing I was struggling with initially before attaining the phase I am right now. 

Life being what it is- a place full of cycles of joy, as well as cycles of issues, coupled with my experiences over time, especially this new one, I would plead with us all (myself inclusive) to seek for immediate solution to a problem once it arises, instead of procrastinating and like me, looking forward to a phase, thinking the phase would erase such problem.

Another thing I have realized about life is that- Garbage in, Garbage out. Life is lived from the inside (inside-out). And no level no matter what holds the key to our total transformation without us working on things on the inside in the first place. Someone with a low self esteem will suddenly not be fixed when money comes, no matter the abundance. If the low self esteem cannot be dealt with without money, having money would make it worse, though in a different dimension. The low self esteem present would only change position, moving from one state/phase to another. As a result, the individual would be taking decisions from a very wrong place on the inside, due to the low self esteem and the attempt to use money as a cover up.

One other thing I have learnt about phases, seasons and issues undealt with is that- nothing on earth can define you, especially in a way that would bring freedom and originality. As one of our guest writers- Adeteju Adeniran once said on the blog- our identity should not be tied to something ephemeral, but something eternal and of much greater value than anything that can be found on the earth, even ourselves (paraphrased). Once this is achieved comes contentment, as well as the will to face things as they come instead of procrastinating it and leaving it till another season as though the new season has automatic eraser in its bosom that would make it all go away without a single effort applied.

In the end, when it comes to life, especially things that happens on the inside, nothing goes on its own. Issues go because we deal with them, not because we procrastinate and leave them till another season. Any undealt with issue would only change form with a new season, and as a result, aggravate beyond what it was in the last season. As a result, let us deal with our issues, so we can enter each new level with freshness, wholeness and new might.

How do we deal with issues you ask me? God willing, it could form a topic for our next discussion.

See you next week by His Grace.

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Who Are Your Support Systems?

 “I think I am jinxed,'' I said, letting go of the torrent of tears that I had been holding back while commuting to her office. She looked so broken hearted as she told me “No, you are blessed and not cursed”. Life had dealt me a very hard blow, I was in a very bad place and I was down with severe malaria. She then decided not to let me go back to my apartment but go to hers and I was with her for a week.

We all go through the highs and lows of life, but we don’t have to do it in isolation. It’s a good feeling to know that you have people in your corner that can always be there for you through the highs and lows. We all need people who will speak life to us when others are echoing our pain.

I feel so blessed when my mum would check on me everyday despite her busy schedule. I think about my friend who is nursing an infant and will still ensure she checks up on me even though it’s very late in the night. Acts like this keep you going even when everything in your space is telling you to do otherwise. Friendships still multiply our joy and reduce our griefs.

Relationships are gifts, and we should not take them for granted. I feel so blessed each time I remember the wonderful people God has gifted me with. There are some blessings you get just because of the company you keep. We live in a very desensitized society and people no longer see the need to connect with people in their space. Think about this, if things really go wrong in your space, can you count two to three people that can be there for you through everything? If you can’t, you better get to work. Let me clear the air here, I am a staunch believer in people being responsible so this is not a write-up encouraging abdicating the responsibilities of one’s life to someone else. This is more like a call to understand that life should not be lived in isolation.

I have enjoyed the gift of very strong support systems in human form and I feel the need to share some tips:

1. Be truly concerned and show care for people in your space. He that must have friends must show himself friendly. Be that one friend that people can count on.
2. Give, give and give. Kindness makes a person’s face shine, this means that people become attracted to you. Everyone has something to give trust me, nothing is too small. I guess it is the thought that matters.
3. Understand that we are still humans and no one is perfect so give room for offences. Remember that everyone is fighting their own battles so they might not be there for you all the time. Avoid placing unrealistic expectations on humans, because you are one too.
4. Open your heart even though you might get hurt. People live in their own shells and prevent access just to avoid heartbreak and betrayals. Well I don’t believe that’s a way to live. I understand the need to regulate access because whoever has access has influence but this is not an excuse to lock up totally.

In closing, find your tribe and hold them dearly.  I pray that you find the right set of people to do life with.

Written by: Adeteju Adeniran

Photo Credits: Google Images

About the Author: Adeteju Adeniran is an internationally trained occupational health and safety professional. She loves to write on faith, hope, and lifestyle, getting her inspiration from the day to day occurrences around her.  She has an obsession with anything African print (lol). She resides in Lagos, Nigeria, where she is impacting her world, one kind deed after another.

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Letter To A Little Me

Dear little me,

How old are you now? 10? You are all giddy, full of life and of course full of hope. You see aunty Oreoluwa go to school and come back, so, you too want to go to school. You want to know what it is to attend a tertiary institution, leave home and live all by yourself. You also want to come back with new clothes and of course latest shoes. Above all, you want to be a graduate too, so you can wear that long gown and daddy and mummy can take a picture with you in it.

What do you know about life? Life is simple, life is fun, life is never complicated. Life is a progressive journey: you go to primary school; after primary school, you go to secondary school, and then university. You start working, get married and then become mummy and daddy yourself. What else could be more fun than that?

I know you have very high hopes about the future, but let me tell you something that’ll quite shock you. Life is full of detours and bends, but through it all, you have to know, that a bend in the road is never the end of the road. You have to press on and hard for what you believe in. Let me reveal a secret to you: at 29, you will not be married yet, but do not be alarmed and never lose hope. In due time, all things will work together for your good and the long road you’ve trod before now will be worth it in the end.

Let me shock you again. I know mummy is a lawyer and you want to be like her- you want to wear that wig and that flowing gown almost every day like her, but you will not become one. You will crave to be an actress and so follow the path. You will also study theatre arts in the university.

I know Uncle ‘Dasola told you about something called destiny. He told you in a very big and interesting way. According to him, destiny is what God has designed you to be; what you’ve been marked to be from the beginning of time. He told you no one can stop your destiny no matter what, hence that high fantasy you have about destiny. Well, listen to him, but here are some parts he failed to tell you; perhaps parts him too did not know at the time he was telling you. He was only fifteen, you know, and you are just ten:

Destiny requires a lot of work. Unlike what he said, it doesn’t just come. You’ll have to work real hard for it. Destiny is never a matter of “que sera sera, what will be will be”; destiny is you fighting with all you’ve got to get to where you believe and know you should be. Destiny is not a meal offered or served on a platter of gold, it is a sweet meal fought for and well deserved.

A whole lot of things counts in destiny. Things such as loyalty, integrity, the friends you keep and all. But let me tell you something interesting and of real value: treat people well. Handle people as gold; for in the end, you never know who a person will be and how in time and in future you would need their help.

Let nobody be small in your eyes, no matter what they are at the moment; even our current domestic help- Folasade; she will help you in a big way in the future. You remember ‘Sewa too?- The dirty girl at school who no one but you plays with? She’ll later become a big CEO, and she will be the one to make you up on your wedding day, come December.

Such is life, dear little me. Like I said earlier, it is full of detours. Beggars become princes and princes become beggars. Remember the Bewajis? That family that thinks they have it all in the street? The ones who don’t talk to anyone? Their business will later crumble. They will sell their house and move back to their village in shame. People would have helped them, but they will be too ashamed to ask for help – based on the way they treated people when they thought they had something.

You must never be proud at any stage in your life, no matter what you think you have, or the places you have been. Nothing in life is permanent, and if ever some things are permanent, it is our character and the way we handle seasons when they come that will determine if they remain permanent or not. If you have money and you do not handle it well, it will go; if you have it and handle it well, it will stay and even multiply.

In all, you need wisdom and faith in life to succeed. Wisdom gleaned from good books, and also that gleaned from the big historical book – the Bible – that book Mummy always forces you to read.

You will need to learn how to pray too; at different stages of your life, you will need prayers. And guess what? You have a friend that is ever close, a friend many years older than you but understands you perfectly. You really don’t know about Him now, but with time, the storms of life will reveal Him to you. You will later realise that He is all you have and all you will ever need. He is faithful and very loyal. That friend is God.

Hey little one, dreams do come true. It may take time, and perhaps not in the exact form you thought it would, but it will sure come true. Never lose hope, darling; hang on, even if on the thinnest of hopes. All things in the end will be well and worth it.

There is so much to say, and also many shocking stories about uncles and aunties to tell, but let me stop here for now. I love you dear little me; be strong for the woman you will become.

This article though written by the blogger, first appeared in Bella Naija, 25th August, 2017.

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Lessons Life Has Taught Me So Far

Looking back at the life I lived as a teenager/young adult and seeing how much I held virtually everything so serious, all I can do is ‘feel sorry’ for myself, especially at the life I had unconsciously let slip past me by being that serious. I hardly could remember going for parties or functions (not that I go to parties/functions now, but then, my not going now is by choice, rather than the self-imposed rule it was in some ways at the time). I also can barely remember playing freely like every other teenager; for it was always me placing myself on one deadline or the other- books to read, things to apply for, and so on. But then, do I have a regret of living such life? Maybe no, but maybe I could have done things a little bit different by taking myself a bit less serious a couple of the times. It takes a bit of adulthood to know the difference between putting yourself in a box, and being actually disciplined and focused.

Having spent a few decades on earth, I have come to realize some things I never factored in even as I planned my life to the letter as a teenager. I have come to realize that some situations wouldn’t always be black and white as I’d imagined- some were meant to be grey, because they actually are. I have also come to realize that sometimes, especially as a passionate individual, it’s ok not to know what you are doing; it’s ok to try things out when you are not sure till eventually you find your space.

I’ve also realized that sometimes you lose control of the life you once thought you owned, and at such times when everything either seems to be happening at once, or nothing seems to be moving at all, it’s ok to surrender- to surrender to the One who made you and planned the life you would live in the first place. I have also come to realize, beyond what is being said which sometimes feels like a cliché, that really, the place of surrender is the most beautiful place, it is the very place where everything (buried) blooms.

Being a believer of God and His Words, entering into His rest as admonished in Hebrews 4, and ceasing from my own struggles (especially the struggle of how exactly I want my life to be), I have seen things unfold in ways I couldn’t have imagined if I had not let go. I have had things only God, and never myself could have given. In surrendering to God, especially in my troubled times, I have come to know who He is (on a personal note), as well as experience the things I never could have in my wildest imagination imagined.

No doubt, adulting comes with a lot of lessons, but then, letting go and gracefully choosing to live one day at a time would make sure you not only outlast your bad seasons, but that you also find courage and strength to deal with whatever you have to deal with per time, especially as an adult weaned of childhood fantasies by life, and made to face the reality of it, especially the uncontrollability of it to an extent.

Besides, reading Michelle’s book (Becoming), has taught me to take life easy; living one day at a time and giving my all to the day as it passes. It has also taught me that with the life we are living, our life’s story is being knitted together like a dough, with us going from phase to phase. It has taught me, especially through the life of her husband, as explained in the book that every single thing we have done/will do will lead to the ultimate end no matter how unimportant/insignificant it appears to be. For Barack Obama, her husband, his work the project VOTE!, which he did many years before becoming the president ended up being an advantage for him as he campaigned for his own presidency, while Michelle’s job at Public Allies (amidst other jobs) prepared her for the role destiny would later ‘throw’ at her- the First Lady role.

In ending this post, I would love to encourage us all to trust our processes, even when they appear so bleak; for in the end, with hardwork and authenticity, everything would make sense, and eventually work together for our good as promised if we faint not. The phase may seem hard and challenging now, but you never know how helpful it would be down the line, and how extremely sorry you would have been if you had not gone through it. Believe, trust the process and surrender, enjoying each moment as they come.

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What Exactly Is Love?

Love is patient, love is kind, love is this, love is that – these things are all easy to say. However, considering the negative things that happen even when we say we are in love, one cannot help but ask what love really is.

Growing up, I remember writing a very hateful letter to my dad once – the same daddy that I love as well. Sometimes, when our spouse does something we think is ‘annoying’ to us, at that moment, everything called love is thrown away, leaving us with resentment and sometimes, vengeance.

No doubt, there are many classifications of love, but asides the agape kind of love (which sometimes becomes incomprehensible), is there any other form of love that can be said to be unconditional? Is there love that does not change with feelings or deeds? Feelings in the sense of the emotions we have when they do something that goes down well with us, and deeds in the sense of their actions that are pleasing to us.

No doubt we love our parents and we love our partners as well, but, things tend to go wrong when they offend us. This can make us throw every teeny bit of love we have for them away at that instant and almost immediately, we replace these ‘feelings’ of ‘love’ with some form of coldness.

So is love a feeling, or a state of mind?

Some married couples, when asked if they love their spouse, replied that they do not know. This is shocking to me. I thought love was supposed to be the bedrock of every marriage! So if you do not know if you love your spouse or not, what then is the bedrock of your marriage? This, I usually ask myself, especially when I see couples who have lovingly been together for over 10 years, 20 years and more.

Is love based on the emotions of what one’s spouse does for one, or on the deep reality that this person is a good person and always means good for us? Is love actually a feeling that goes and comes, or one that stays and goes nowhere? Or perhaps an accumulation of all the good deeds only, leaving no space for the seemingly bad days?

For Temi, when asked if she loved her spouse, her reply was yes. When asked why and how she knows, a reply was not forthcoming. This made me wonder how love truly is between couples. A school of thought says that when you love your spouse, you love him or her for no reason (this may be why it was hard for Temi to explain why she loved her husband. For her, it was a feeling with a particular kind of depth and awareness that she could not explain).

Another school of thought says one way to know if you love your spouse is to examine the reasons why you are with him in the first place. In other words, the reasons why you are with him would show you if you love him or not. The question now is: if you are with him for reasons that can be classified as selfish in some ways, would you still say you love him? Let’s say you are solely with him for the comfort he gives, his soft-spoken nature, and the fact that he meets all your needs and beyond, would you still call that love? Considering that love has been said to involve some forms of service and not just what we can get or solely what suits us?

Because I have no firm answer to these questions – especially ‘categorical’ opinions about the various schools of thought involved in love and loving a person – I’ll push this to you: What really is love? Do you think true love is when we love with reason, or without reason?

I’ll be looking forward to reading your answers in the comment session.

This article though written by the blogger, first appeared in Bella Naija on the 10th of November 2019.

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What Is The One Thing That Should Remain When Your Dream Fails?

Now in my 30s, I realize that as a younger individual, it is much more easier to dream and have all the faith in the world. But then, as one progresses in life and experiences myriad of failures and disappointments, the zeal in some ways begin to go down, and we begin to tell ourselves “I’m taking it easy on life”, when in actual fact, we are actually giving up and taking life as it comes- good or bad. 

In as much as taking life as it comes to an extent might not be a bad idea (as for real, all our dreams would not come true verbatim i.e as we wrote/dreamt them); we must know when to allow life take its course, and also when to stand our ground, disallowing it to dictate everything that happens to us. For majority of the time, if we allow life to always have its way, we’ll never amount to anything. Imagine an Isaac Newton never striving to become anything significant asides the occupation of a farmer it appeared life had thrown at him? Especially such his mother thought was best for him? Or someone like Abraham Lincoln, saying,- ‘ok, I’ve tried being elected into the post of a president a couple of times, now I’ll try no more. I’ll just keep being the lawyer life has made me to be.’?

No doubt, we must sometimes prepare ourselves to live a little space for life to happen in its own way, we must not withstanding not let go of one paramount thing through it all- our zeal.

Zeal is one thing we tend to lose as we grow older, because life in some ways has a way of ‘sucking’ our primal zeal till we are left with the choice to keep refilling per time, or simply give up. But then, majority of the time, we choose the later because refilling our zeal/passion takes everything in us. It takes a lot of determination and pursuit never to give on the things we desire and know deep down we should become. This brings me to one question- what do you do when your dream fails? And not just when it fails, but when it fails over and over again? Just what do you do?

Having been through the phase and still passing through it, one thing I would say (which is the bedrock if you ask me) is- Never give up on hope. You may lose everything, but never give up on hope. Because hope, is like a single burning coal that can ignite fire when brought close to dry and cold coals. Hope is that thing that should never leave us no matter how little we have left per time. With hope, we can always find the courage to try again, think our situations through and search in deep within us to know if to try again with the past method, add some more or things, or totally let go of the idea to give something else a trial. Hope, is that thread that hangs us on even when all things around us are falling.

Times we need to change our ways to make our dreams happen, hope is that thing that would nudge us and give us the courage to start all over again knowing with faith that all things would be fine in the end. It is that that makes us enlarge/change our networks/relationships if need be, makes us attend conferences that’ll help us in our pursuit, as well as give room for others to assist us (as no one tree makes up a forest), and also makes us assist other people either as an act of kindness or learning.

In some ways, things will always go wrong as it were, but one thing that would keep us going and steady, is hope. Hope is the bedrock of all we ever want to be. It is that coal, that fire that must never die. For when hope is gone, everything is gone and all we’ll become would be walking zombies, doing things to pass out time while we await death, which my friends- is a scary way to live. As a result, never give your hope a chance to die, whatever it would take. Keep it alive always, no matter the efforts required. Do not acquiesce with life. Keep going. Keep moving. And take hope along. Endeavour to make it your best friend, as close to you as your own shadow.

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Taming The Voices In Our Heads

To an extent, life wouldn’t be the battle it is, if not for the voices in our heads. The voices makes us feel inadequate and somehow unsure of ourselves. They make us feel, and act awkward in a crowd of people. We’re constantly thinking of the things we are not doing right, instead of the things we do right and rather effortlessly.

At first, it starts as just our own inner voice. It is the voice, as a child, that makes us compare other kids’ cloths, toys and shoes with ours, making us feel inadequate and discontent in the process.

As we grow older, the voice make us compare not only material things, but also abilities, in ways that are destructive to our growth and development, and more especially our self-esteem. With time, because of the dominance of this voice, we begin to feel less of ourselves. This voice also makes us conscious of ourselves in ways that makes it difficult for us to fit easily into groups, by sometimes making us feel like an unwanted face in the crowd.

It would have been good if this voice remains as one; however, over time, it splits into that of mummy, daddy, aunty, siblings, friends and even strangers telling us unpleasant things about ourselves, in ways that seemed too real not to be true. When you’re older you realize it’s false. The voice is indeed great at gathering negative voices from all the places we’ve ever been- our childhood, schools etc and makes those voices have a stronghold on us.

The saddening thing about these voices is that they tell us things in ways that makes us believe them. They make sure to appeal to our reasoning by putting up seeming evidence, which ends up to be false majority of the time. These voices become a part of us and they move with us everywhere we go, in ways that makes us extremely conscious of ourselves based on the lies they tell us.

What do we do to tame and control the voices in our heads?

One good tip would be to know ourselves for real: both the good and the bad truths about who we are. Knowing our real selves is the first good way to falsify all the suggestion these voices brings to us because the reason we become so confused and overtaken by the voice in the first place is because we do not know ourselves in a sufficient degree.

How do we get to know ourselves? Introspection; getting to know the things we like and the things we do not like, our values, and belief system and why they are actually important to us. Getting to know ourselves involves us challenging the image we put up of ourselves and why. The good news is that the more we know ourselves, the easier it becomes to discard the negative voices in our head, because we know at first glance how false it is. In all, getting to know ourselves reduces the hold the voices have over us.

After self awareness is self affirmation. Do this daily. Affirmation not only acts as a shield from the negativities of the day, but also the negativities of our own mind. Besides, the act of affirming ourselves constantly provides a ready antidote for these voices.

As hard as it sounds, we might need to pay attention to the voice, especially when its ridicule about something is becoming consistent. We pay attention, not because we want to believe that’s who we are, but because we want to unravel the reason why it thinks that’s who we are. For the most part, getting to the root of something is the best and sometimes only way of disarming it, because when we cut things from the root, they never grow back – unlike when we keep cutting the stem and the branches. Getting to the root might hurt and perhaps take a while, but in the end would be worth it.

In addition to all these listed tips, it might also be helpful to turn to our religion for help because majority of the time, our religion points us to who we are and eventually- who we should become. So with that, we can actually program our pasts and present thoughts into desired outcomes.

Conclusively, overcoming the voices in our head is a conscious and continuous effort.  We can achieve this by paying attention to ourselves and never living in denial as a way of suppressing them. For effectiveness and ease we might want to make reading and listening to/watching great audios/videos a part of our everyday life. This is because reading and listening to/watching great audios/videos help to expose the depth of what we think about ourselves and why. It also provides the avenue to fix these thoughts, provided the right books/audios/videos are read/listened to/watched. With active and adequate knowledge exposure, we can always reprogram the voices in our heads in such a way that would make us rise above every form of limitation they seek to bring into our lives.

P.S: As you fight your way through the voices in your head, it would be helpful to know that you are not alone; we all have it, the best and worst of us, royals and commoners, rich and poor. Rather than fight yourself for having the voice, divert all your energy to fighting the voice and insist on winning.

This article though written by the blogger, first appeared in Bella Naija- 6th April, 2018.

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‘Daddy Issues’ And Such Pain It Causes

I never want to sleep with him again. As a matter of fact, I do not enjoy the sex despite the many screams I make myself make just to raise his ego. If I had my way, I would tell him he stank, I would tell him to wash his teeth a thousand times a day, but who was I to tell him all of those?

He on the other hand acts and sulks like a baby when I reject his advances. He makes it feel as though the whole world has crumbled at our feet; so, majority of the time, out of guilt, I give in to him (or for the most part, knowing how sulky he would become, not reject his advances at all). I wouldn’t know why sex is so much food for him despite him being a married man.

On the other hand, all I wanted, I wanted from him without a touch. I wanted a sense of security, being loved, and for the most part- being wanted. My daddy- a military man while growing up had no time for us, especially for the fact that we were all girls. He would travel all around the country with no responsibility of being a family man, especially a father. He had no idea how much we his daughters needed his presence in our lives. Times he came back, he was like a lion in the house, even in the neighbourhood. Perhaps he thought roaring every time like a lion would chase away men from our house- our house being a bevy of ladies. He would as well leave his sense of terror hanging in the air when he travelled, so men who once knew what his roar looked like, would stay meters away from his house, especially his wife.

My mum as well was a ‘mechanical’ mother.  She was as ‘hard’ as my dad and never knew how to hug. The first, and perhaps last time we hugged was when she was on a sick bed- before she died. That day, I had been so much lost in deep emotions that I had finished hugging and holding her tight before I got to remember hugging was never a part of routine for each other. However, she died the next day.

I’d always longed for someone to love and hold me- that male presence. Coincidentally, my dad has grown old too, wanting all the attention he never gave, but alas, it’s too late. I already learnt to live without him by finding ‘solace’ and ‘love’ in the hands of men who managed to say hi. I’ve found their maturity compelling, especially enough to make me feel seen (noticed), loved, and in some ways- accepted. The way they expect me to respond was giving them back sex. That was the language their own brokenness understood.

The men as well gives me money- in a way that makes me feel like a child, as though I was five again and being catered for; only this time around more keenly. The crave for the loving sense of a man led me to hanging around with men old enough to be my elder brother, and even fathers, and with time though unplanned- made me sleep with them since it felt sleeping with them was the only way I would feel the love and sense of warmth and security a part of my heart needed.

This is not a blame game session. I take responsibility for every action of mine, but what if my dad had constantly told me he loved me? And what if he actually showed it and I felt safe in his person, even in his absence? What if my mum too had hugged me almost every time and told me literally all day how much I meant to her? What if I had felt safe and secured in the shadow of my father? What if he actually made me feel loved, welcomed and keenly cared for- would I have been in the mess I am today? Besides, what mess do you think I am at the moment?

My name is Lara, and above is a little part of my story. We’ll get to talk some other time on the blog I believe. #DaddyIssues.  *sighs*.

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I Need A Spouse!

I remember a friend of mine who just passed the age of 30 at the time, saying indirectly to me through all her words and actions- ‘I need a spouse!’. This was a lady who had had all you would think a lady should have, especially based on the ‘African’ mentality, and so, it was only natural and ‘logical’ for the next thought to be marriage.

I could remember us talking outside my house at the time. She was telling me how she wanted to go to a ‘power must change hands program’, and as well, change some things about herself, such as the church she attended. The church we both attended was more of a family and student church; the one she wanted to start attending was in a city miles away from where we stayed, a place she felt had more single men, and as a result, would increase her chances.

She was older than me at the time (and of course- still is), but then, God in His supremacy put a word for her in my mouth then, and the word was – wait. I reminded her that God indeed sees us, and He no doubt knows exactly where we are. Because He knows exactly where we are, it’s so easy for Him to make the things we need come to us, right about the time we actually need it. And so, the word that came to my mouth as a form of encouragement to her was to tell her to wait, and if she can, not bother to change her church and just trust that the love of God would bring that that she needed right to her.

In as much as that appeared like a simple piece of advice, it was quite a tough one. The fact was that we were in a student environment, asides from the fact that there were so limited Africans, or any form of Africans in the place. Most Africans one would find there are either schooling, or married. In my friend’s case, she was not schooling; she was working, which made her case quite a difficult one. The people around her were much younger, or much older and married. And she wanted an African.

Well, fast forward to months after the advice, and some series of us praying together, a new man came to town- an African man, from her very country, who was not there to school, but to work: A pharmacist! Well, your guess is as good as mine, they are happily married now.

What are you going through today? Especially such that cuts across as hopeless? I want you to know that God sees you, and knows exactly where you are. All you need to do is to recognize His voice per time and listen. My friend was smart enough to see God in what I said, even though if you asked me, I would say I was just encouraging her, as a believer I am, but she recognized the voice of God in the little thing I said that seemed to make no sense to a desperate soul like hers at the time. 

Be patient. Listen. If God says move, move. If He says be still- do all your best to be still and trust Him, knowing fully well that everything He has in mind lies in your best interest.

Till I come your way again, let’s all keep waiting (if He says wait); moving (when He says move) and more importantly- trusting Him. Do enjoy the remaining days of the week, and much love.

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The Age We Live In: The Struggle For Acceptance

My name is Lauretta. I am a graduate. I earn eighty thousand naira monthly. I work in one of the new generation banks. I love wearing expensive shoes, and also carrying expensive bags; all which my salary cannot buoyantly support. Let me tell you what I do with my salary.

• I pay house rent- a rent of four hundred and fifty thousand naira a year (I live in Abuja and I live in town. Someone like me has no time to live in suburbs. What would people say, especially my high and good friends? No).

• I feed myself

• Pay for my transport to work (I take cabs of course)

• Recharge my big phones

• Buy things I do not need nor want but fits into the list of what I should have to earn social respect and somewhat acceptance.

• …And lots more

I’m fair, elegant and poise. When you see me, you’ll think you just saw a billionaire’s daughter, or better still, a celebrity. I’m the kind of person a guy would look at twice, and a lady would look at five times, because they feel intimidated or threatened by my presence. To round it up, my fair skin is as fresh as a baby’s. I am every man’s dream in terms of beauty, especially those who love their women fair, bright and extremely beautiful.

I carry Gucci bags, Michael Kors etc (I mean the original ones); all which my salary could not afford. So how do I live? You’re right- I live on credit. I’m too decent to prostitute myself and take money from men to afford my lifestyle. I’m working hard, but my current hard work and the kind of money I desire is not at par so, credit seems to be the only way out.

So why do I do all I do? Just four words. I want to impress. I want to impress all of my friends; both the high ones and the low ones. I want the low ones to be proud of me, and I want to fit into the league of the high ones so I don’t get looked down upon; and also so I would fit into their conversations the few times I saw them and we gisted.

Does it matter if my account is always in red and everything I do or buy has to be extra calculated? Maybe no. Does it matter that some days I have nothing to eat in the self-contained apartment I once used my six months’ advance salary to beautify? Again no. Does it matter I owe a lot of people so much money so much that I have no idea how to pay back? No. So what matters? The fact that people look up to me; especially my fashion sense, and the fact that I do not feel all left alone in misery and poverty.

**

Why do we struggle for acceptance? So much so that we would go to any length to get it and to prove a point? Come to think of it: who cares about your point anyway? The highest perhaps you’ll get is social respect, at the expense of your credit respect (financial respect). Why don’t we all live satisfied lives?

Let me tell you a truth: people who love you will love you truly for who you are no matter what you wear or what you do not wear. Why buy false love with deceit? Why do we compare and compete at our own expense, especially knowing what would be at stake? Funny enough, the people you think you are competing with, can afford the lifestyle they live comfortably – so why do you want to be a wannabe?

You really don’t have to go all out at your own expense to impress people. People who truly love you will be impressed with the lifestyle you have and the little you have. I love my close friends for who they are regardless of what they wear or do not wear. Their worth to me is never in what they wear, or who they carry; but who they are. Their worth to me is in their character: the integrity and loyalty we’ve spent years building and spending together. The worth of true friendship is not in competition; it’s in stillness and peace knowing that you can be whatever you want to be with them, and you do not have to pretend in any way. The worth of true friendship is in the honesty and truthfulness shared; when you both can open up before one another and feel no shame. You should encourage one another and make each other feel better… knowing fully well that it’s just a phase and it will soon pass.

Think about this today; who are your friends and why do you do what you do? Do you want what they have? If yes, to what extent would you go to get it? Besides, the people you have now and you call friends, do they inspire you to be better or competitive? One advice I’ll give: stay on your lane and walk on your path. Compare your life to no other, because in the end, nobody really is like you. Nobody has your exact eyes, nose, legs, arms etc. You are simply unique; stop trying to be general, when in actual fact you are special.

Know that everybody is busy living their own lives, busy fighting their own battles such that they have no time to recognize the point you’re trying to make that is sinking you. If you would prove a point, I’d rather it be an intellectual one – one that’ll bring you joy, fulfilment and contentment; not one that makes your account red perpetually for no tangible reason.

I want to challenge you to look into your heart for your intentions for everything you do, and work on yourself as much and hard as you need to be so you can be better; your life can truly be an inspiration to people in every sense of it.

This article though written by the blogger, first appeared in Bella Naija- 4th September 2017.

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