What Makes A Marriage Work? Wealth Or Character?

 I had a very big wedding- literally my dream wedding. Present and past governors, as well as past and present government and private dignitaries were in attendance. The joy of the day filled me so much so that even though tired, I smiled to the camera at every single click.

However, the day was soon over, and the marriage was soon to start. The first few weeks were awesome. Private beaches, trips outside the country, beautiful hotels and sceneries and all. We settled into the marriage a month after all the travelling and sight seeing. For all I cared, I was the luckiest girl alive; for if money was taken away, what more could be the issue in a marriage? In addition to the great wealth was my wish of having a tall, dark and handsome human being, which I have as well, what more? Talking about the sex, I wouldn't trade the experiences with him for anything in the world; so I ask again- what else? 

Well, the awesome life I thought we had started melting in bits like wax on fire. It was first messages from his ex, and then every other girl. Then after a while, it moved to clubbing with his friends, him leaving the house without informing me prior of his travelling, and lots more.  Then suddenly, the money which I had held on to as a savior, and one of the major reasons I married him began to become so little in my eyes.  I suddenly realized it takes more than money and a great body to make a marriage work!

Yeah, I am married, and even amongst my friend, I am a celebrity in their midst, but then, am I happy? Every day, I go back to a big but empty house. He wouldn’t allow me to work or do anything else. All I was to be (like I was always), is to be his doll to his big parties, as well as his window of being categorized as a  ‘responsible’ man, by the virtue of him being married. I am also a ticket to his political aspiration, since now, the obstacle of being a bachelor has been removed.

I married into a trap. A man that knew what he wanted and played his card well. His money blinded me and I saw nothing else. I was also fascinated by the fact that I would be a friend to the rich and their wives, and my children as well would mix with their kids. But now, thinking back, I realized all that should never have been the focus. I should have focused on my career, as well as married the man whom I was dating before. Money indeed is a bait. And now I know that it takes loyalty, commitment, friendship, willingness on both sides and many other virtues to make marriage work. More than ever before, I have resorted to prayer. It is my only hope, as well as my only sanity. I had what I wanted (money and fame), but what I never bargained for was the boredom and suffocation that comes with it. As well as the disloyalty, being ignored on many occasions and being taken for granted.

Maybe now might actually be the time to settle and see what I really can do with my life. After all, my friends used to tell me I draw and paint beautifully well. I have all the time in the world, perhaps I can work towards an exhibition in a year’s time, while praying for my husband to become loyal, selfless, friendly, sensitive to my pains, and as well- empathetic. Till then, I shall try my best finding my true self and spend time praying as well. Thankfully, physical abuse is not one of the issues I have to deal with.

“Are you ok at least?” I asked Tinu after she told me what she was facing in her home. “I will be fine, thank you”. “You’ll always be in my prayers darling, and all shall be well by His Grace, ok?

Thank you, Tinu replied me. “I will look forward to seeing my story on your blog, so people, especially single people can know marriage is not always about money, even though to an extent, it might be helpful. I made my choice, and I am not looking for any pity party; just want to warn whoever I can, so they won’t fall into the mistake I made, taking money as the all in all without really checking for character, compatibility, and most especially- God’s leading”.

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Letter To A Teenage Me

Dear teenage me,

The number thirteen sounds great- always what you’ve wanted. Now, that teacher that only watches to fish you out of the teenage class will no longer be able to fish you out. And besides, you are a big girl now- a teenager!

Now that you are a teenager, what do you expect? Finishing school is a large part of it, as well as entering university. That means you have to pass your WAEC, and your JAMB; so, studying hard would be a part of your plan. What else again? Bet you do not know. Life should follow the chronological order whereby after school, you enter the university, after which you get a job and then get married! That is how you plan it right? Now let me begin to roll in the shocker for you:

You will finish secondary school, just as desired, but then, you would not enter the university immediately as planned! You would have to wait a while at home, while some of your mates are already headed to the university. Do not envy them, for one day, and very soon, you will find yourself in your dream school, but then studying an entirely different course. That is not the shocker. Here is-

In school, you will meet so many people (just like you did when you went to a Federal Government School back then), but then, this time around, you will not only meet girls, you will meet boys too (or should we call them men? because they are found in the university). Some of them will be old enough to be your senior brothers. But then- what about them? That would be story for another day.

This phase of your life would be a trying phase. You will start getting to know your true self, and at that- sometimes you will like what you see, a few other times, you may not. But through it all, know that you are loved by your Maker, as well as cherished by Him. Let all that matter to you be the bigger picture of who you want to be in 10-15years’ time, and know that you are enough.

Before I stop (because I have so many things to say), I would like to tell you something very vital- Socialize(!!!). Of course you know I’m not telling you to drink or go to clubs as it were, but mix with your classmates! Don’t just keep to yourself or make your journey triangular (or worse still- linear)! Try to meet more people (but then, be as natural and genuine as possible) when meeting them. Put pride aside. Yes, I know you will be great in life too, and you probably feel you do not need anyone, but the stark truth is that you need people! All those big dreams of yours will never come to pass on their own; you would need burden bearers, as well as helpers of destiny. And just as you would need people, you have to make yourself available to people too, because they would need you too.

Ayo- one of your classmates would later become a Personal Assistant to a governor, and he would help open a lot of doors for you. You too would help Paloma (the girl that always seems to know every subject in class) with a couple of favours too. You see?- What goes around surely comes around. How about your masters abroad? And your PhD too? Will tell you all that much later, and the experiences you would have there. But for now, it’s enough speaking. Be good. And patient too, ok?. Talk to you much later. Perhaps then we shall talk about beauty and peer pressure then.

*WAEC- West African Examination Council

*JAMB- Joint Admission Matriculation Board

Photo Credit: Atlanta Blackstar

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The Wivesrountable Foundation Cloths Underprivildeged Women In Surulere LCDA of Lagos State (Nigeria)

How does it feel when you get lovely, but free cloths? Such exactly were the joys of the women clothed by The Wivesroundtable Foundation this past Saturday.

As the late Maya Angelou once said- people would forget what you said, but they'll never forget how you made them feel. The event which took place on the 15th of February 2020, catered to the need of some underprivileged women in Surulere Local Council Development Area of Lagos State (Nigeria). This they did by providing them befitting cloths, shoes, and bags to go about their everyday lives, as well as those to wear for special occasions. Children as well were not left out of this kind gesture.

Just as Rome was not built in a day, humanity as well cannot be changed in a day. As a result, we at Soul Writer's Blog celebrate the efforts of The Wivesroundtable Foundation, for you never really can understand the power of a smile until it is planted on your face. A big kudos to Mrs Amaka Chibuzo-Obi and her team. We see you!

More photos from the event:

Photo Source- The Wivesroundtable

One Reason You Should Be Yourself

I was writing a blogpost for a particular company and a thought came to mind which I penned down:

Smile

Nature has more than one trillion expressions- you are one of them;

-Beautiful, dazzling and irreplaceable.

the sun is one of nature's endless expressions. As an entity, it is more than enough.

Smile. Unburden yourself. You are enough. Perhaps more than enough.

~Eniola Olaosebikan.

If the sun could have access to its emotions, how do you think it would feel? You think it would be satisfied with itself? I guess not. As creatures, especially such with cognitive abilities, we tend to compare ourselves with other creatures a lot. But then truth be told, we all are different. Comparing ourselves with one another is denying our strength and embracing another creature’s strength. Imagine a Spider focusing on its frail nature, forgetting the fact that because of that same nature, it can be found conveniently in the king’s palace? The Spider focusing on its frail nature apart, imagine it comparing itself to the Lion who can roar mightily, won’t it lose its strength? Besides, can a Lion be found conveniently in the king’s palace? When we compare ourselves with others, we become nothing in our own sight, and our uniqueness becomes lost in the process.

Whilst it is true that a light others have that you do not have may attract you, the onus lies on us never to allow our sight be blinded. Shine anyway. Make use of what you have. Bask in its uniqueness. The world would be a better place when a lion takes pride in being a lion, and an ant takes pride in being an ant, knowing fully well that each occupies a different niche, out of the many niche nature has made available. 

The ant so much gloried in being itself that human beings-its superiors, were sent to learn from it. In the places where lions and all were mentioned as well, Spiders, Lizard, Locust and other animals we would not necessarily look at twice were mentioned too. In essence, for the world to notice us and for us to be who we are really meant to be, we have to allow ourselves to live/shine without any form of comparison.

The earth has four creatures that are very small but very wise: The feeble ant has little strength, yet look how it diligently gathers its food in the summer to last throughout the winter. The delicate rock-badger isn’t all that strong, yet look how it makes a secure home, nestled in the rocks. The locusts have no king to lead them, yet they cooperate as they move forward by bands. And the small lizard is easy to catch as it clings to the walls with its hands, yet it can be found inside a king’s palace.

There are four stately monarchs who are impressive to watch as they go forth: the lion, the king of the jungle, who is afraid of no one, the rooster strutting boldly among the hens, the male goat out in front leading the herd, and a king leading his regal procession.

Proverbs 30:24-32 (TPT)

No matter who you are, you have a quota to contribute to the universe. Bask in it and be happy. The world always longs for something new, be the new the world has never seen (and would never see again after your demise). If you do what only you can do, the world would have no choice but to notice no matter where you are from, or how little you think you are. 

Be you!

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Regrets And Healing

My new year as it were has not ended. I have been going through my life as though a movie for the past few weeks, and I have been trying to correct some issues I found there. You would agree with me that depending on what lies in your past, it could be a painful and quiet moment, or a happy and joyful one seeing that upon going through your life, you have no regret. Or perhaps a mixture of the two for some reasons.

On my part, I would say it’s a mixture of the two. Basically because the mistakes I made have led me to glorious places I can’t deny, just as promised in Romans 8:28. Some things I would want to be sad (and sometimes bitter) about, but when I remember where the experience landed me, I begin to shed tears of joy because through it all, I felt the love and warmth of God.

Do I have regrets? In all honesty, I would say no, but that is not to say I do not have some painful and foolish experiences. This review I found myself doing unconsciously at first, has shaken so many things in my life. Imagine a strong man shaking a tree full of fruits? The shakings would no doubt cause things to fall off, especially such fruits that are spoilt and waiting for the slightest wind. When such tree is released from such vigourous shake, it would have been pruned of literally all the bad fruits on it, leaving the strong and young ones, thereby making the tree healthy once again.

One thing that helps to have a healthy pruning, especially such that wouldn’t lead to a break down/depression is to have the Maker of hearts with you- God; in such a way that as you are discovering the hurts, He’s pumping you full with His comfort, love and acceptance, such that by the time you are done pruning, you are already healed, instead of leaning on time to heal you. Yeah, some wounds would take time to heal, but the comfort and succour we get along the way makes it easier. It’s like pouring methylated spirit, iodine on a wound, or perhaps cleaning it with hydrogen peroxide. There would be a wound still, but the presence of such elements in the wound would help heal the wound at a faster rate.

What state are you in today? Do you feel like your world has ended? Why not go to the surgery room (as I call it)? There you would find your heart taking you through time, and as well- your Maker, present as a specialist, waiting with His nurses such as comfort, love, joy, peace and all to perform your suctions. Go through the moments if need be, feel the pain, but surrender it to God to do what He would with it. Most Heroes we look up to, especially in the past, we would agree that their pains landed them to where they eventually found themselves. A look at Joseph, he had no business being in slavery, and even in the prison, but some way, somehow, he found himself there. We all would agree that despite the forgiving heart and all he had, the experiences he garnered during the process of slavery and prison made him a much better leader. His father’s house wouldn’t have been his training ground, who would he have led, especially being the 11th of 12 children?

Sometimes sad, but then, God always have a way of making us arrive at our promised lands. The experience you have been through that you so much hate may be the wings on which your destiny would be announced. Jesus, our perfect example is not an exception to this principle- how He suffered to the cross, but the same cross He cried bitterly for God to take away later became the crux of His assignment in life.

So, relax sis, relax bro. I know you are tired of everything, perhaps with some regrets, but hand it over to God, review it with your heart (no matter the number of years ago it happened), and let the healing process begin. It may not be easy, but surrender to the process, and let God make of you- a better ‘tree’. 

Much love sisters and brothers. See you next week Wednesday by His Grace. Experiences are welcomed to be shared.

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Dear Readers...

Depending on where we are reading from and what the time is at the moment, I would like to say- Good morning, Good afternoon, Good evening; and a very happy new year.

First and foremost, I would love to apologize for going MIA for the first four weeks of the year, especially after us not missing a Wednesday of ‘fellowshipping’ together all these while. I missed us, even as you missed me. I’d gotten quite a number of people asking me- ‘when are you coming back’, ‘what happened to the blog’ and all. So sorry once again I had to put us all through the stress and wonder.

One major reason the blog took a break was to look back (as well as look into) what had been done so far, in order to identify quite a number of things. Did I identify them all? Perhaps no, but the little identified, I would try to work on them to make sure we all have (more) fun, as well as learnings on the blog.

As a result of the ongoing introspection (yes, it’s still ongoing), I humbly ask you- my dear readers- to drop your comment about the blog. In as much as many report has come in about the usefulness of the blog and all, it would as well be a pleasure to know what can be done better on the blog, as well as what can be introduced.

I might not be able to say many things for now, but one thing I know for sure by His Grace is that we would have more interviews this year, as well as many heart to heart stories (both for lessons, and for advice as well).

All that said; how are we are doing? How far gone are we into our goals for the month/year? Any introspection done yet? What was the outcome? And how well are you trying to work on them?
I pray us all wisdom and understanding to handle the times we are in, as well as the strength to do all we can at every point in time.

Would await your response in the comment session below, as we all as a tribe move further into the new year in better and stronger ways. And do not forget that I am just a mail away. You can always reach out to me through my email- soulwriteralways@gmail.com . As well as my phone number (whatsapp preferably)- +2348032320466.

Love you guys, you mean a lot to me. See you next week by His Grace. Do have a great day.

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Merry Christmas!!! I Have Something To Tell You!

It’s the end of the year. I bet by now we will have so many lessons, trainings, talks and articles on how to start 2020. Acronyms such as SMART, in relation to our goals for 2020 would be all over the place.

In the midst of what seems to be ‘normal’ for this season, especially for the fact that it is said that a new decade is upon us, I would love to tell you something different; and this would be my word of advice for the year 2020- Start small and steady.

Why do I advise a ‘small’ start? It’s because great things build up. Just yesterday, I read something I find to be true in some ways- it says- "In the real sense, there is nothing new about the 'new year', it's a continuation of dates and time..."- Ajayi Adebayo.

Somebody I see as a mentor once talked about a runner who was popular in the 80s and early 90s- Carl Lewis. Almost all through his career, he seemed to maintain a chain of wins/break records, especially when he was running the marathon. It soon was discovered that one major reason he had all that win was because he started his race with steady efforts, instead of starting like others who at the very beginning would exhaust themselves with too much zeal. His steady nature, especially at the beginning provides the strategy with which he uses to end the race strong by giving all his energy to the last quarter of the race, when all others would have been tired, even if they wanted to give the race their all.

In other words, as the new year comes, do not be scared into making gigantic decisions and goals, just because everyone around you is. Like the sentence rightly said, a new year is basically the continuation of the life you have lived thus far. While it always seem as a good time to appraise oneself and have new goals, it might not always be an avenue to start all fresh. It might actually be a time to build on the premise of the things done last year. Besides, starting small and steady seems to build/sustain strength and energy over time, unlike starting with so much energy (which most of the time, brings about early fatigue).

Based on a number of factors, most countries/companies start their ‘new years’ at different times of the year. For some organizations, their new year starts right in the middle of the year; mostly referred to as ‘financial year’. For human beings as well, if we give a deep thought, our new year basically starts on the date of our birth anniversaries (our birthdays), and probably not necessarily on the first of January of every year. Starting the new year steady and celebrating every seeming win in the process helps in building energy, as well as a clear head for making decisions, thereby taking away undue pressure

Not saying the natural and general new year cannot present an opportunity to start afresh, just saying it should not be an avenue to mount undue pressure on yourself. Someone that started a project some days to January 1 might do himself a bit of harm trying to start another one without finishing the one he started prior, all because of a new year. Projecting our goals should not be just on general new years, but at every phase of our lives, be it quarterly or biannual.

If you happen to be a person of the Spirit, search out your goals using your spirit, because only then (coupled with prayer and fasting) can adequate strength be released, and you wouldn’t just get tired at the middle of the road (and sometimes at the very beginning!), due to ‘mere’ resolutions and all, backed with no power or conviction whatsoever.

Meanwhile, today being the very last Wednesday of the year, I would like to wish us all a Happy new year in advance. More importantly, I would like to shout – MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!, today actually being Christmas day. As well, I would like to say a big thank you to you for being with me every step of the way. Thank you for reading the different articles posted on this blog, as well (and perhaps more importantly), for sharing them on your whatsapp statuses and social media pages. I am indeed VERY grateful, and I love you all. 

See You next year by His Grace (Next week Wednesday is actually the 1^st of January!). See you then!

N.B- If there are some deals you need to close, especially such that can only be closed in January, please by all means, do your best to close your deals. The idea of starting small and steady is an attempt to take undue pressure off you, and to make you celebrate your little wins instead of the big wins we seek to achieve based on ‘new year resolutions’, which majority of the time, ends up weighing us down a while into the new year. This is not an article to encourage laziness or complacency, but one to encourage stability, especially one that leads to amazing results through constant and conscious efforts, as well as adequate planning.

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Guest Writer Emmanuella Obumaese: Let The Person In You Emerge!

Man comes as a drop of semen and leaves as a piece of dust. Doesn’t know when he came and doesn’t know when he is leaving. As simple as it sounds, everyone is here for a purpose and with a unique and specific gift. We all have dreams and see visions through our minds- what to be and become. That very thing in us that wants expressions is actually what the world needs from us. 

We cannot choose our parent; we cannot choose our origin not even our height or complexion but we can chose to take a decision.

As humans created with purpose, we sometimes have unpleasant feelings when it has to do with coming out of our comfort zone to manifest our purpose and talent(s): a disharmony that comes when we are not so sure of what the outcome of our decision would be in terms of feedback from the environment. As a result, majority of the time, we are left with the option of not expressing our inner strength.

However to become the person God really made, we must take a decision.

The decision is to Become! To give our inner self an outward expression that would be beneficial to humanity. A decision to contribute in making the world go round, without which we would be mere existing beings with no bearing. 

In giving expression to what we see in our inner self, we need to focus on  what we see in our mind, eyes, and press towards its realization, irrespective of the utter despise and rejection from our immediate environment.

As our topic implies- EMERGE! It means to become visible, prominent, unfold and simply to come out. Permit me to ask this!  You want a life? Get one! Do something about what you see in your mind.  Always take a step to become visible and prominent even if it looks like you are taking one step forward and two steps backward.

To all the young people out there; a couple of encouragements I have for you are as follow: 

1. Do not pretend to be who you are not. 
2. Bring out your own style and find a symbol to always remind yourself of who you are and want to become so you don’t drift out of your vision.
3. Go out of your normal routine to achieve your dreams even if it feels demanding.
4. Be confident at all times and be prepared for anything.
5. Be honest with yourself and never be scared of change.
6. Resist the temptation to despise your little talent as the biblical phrase goes "But of what difference would this make among so many?"
7. Create the life you deserve because the world won’t give you what you deserve, only the things you reach out to and get for yourself comes to you.
8. Build up your self-esteem. No more standing at the shadows.
9. Take on the stage and emerge.
10. Don’t be with anyone who does not believe in you.

Photo Credit: Emmanuella Obumaese

About the writer: Emmanuella Adjoshoghene Obumaese is a professionally trained counselor, Child Mentor and a seasoned educationist. She speaks in career conferences and seminars in view of the generality of life and spheres with special interest on the wholeness of human personality. Emmanuella resides in Lagos Nigeria and can be reached on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.

Lessons Life Has Taught Me: Handling Phases, Seasons and Issues.

Being someone with a baby face as it were, before now, I’d thought that if I attain a certain phase of life, a jolt of respect or honour as it were would be attached to my name, especially my face. But then, now at the phase I’d always thought there would be a difference regarding some things in my life, especially such that would ‘invalidate’ my baby face, I found myself to be struggling with the same thing I was struggling with initially before attaining the phase I am right now. 

Life being what it is- a place full of cycles of joy, as well as cycles of issues, coupled with my experiences over time, especially this new one, I would plead with us all (myself inclusive) to seek for immediate solution to a problem once it arises, instead of procrastinating and like me, looking forward to a phase, thinking the phase would erase such problem.

Another thing I have realized about life is that- Garbage in, Garbage out. Life is lived from the inside (inside-out). And no level no matter what holds the key to our total transformation without us working on things on the inside in the first place. Someone with a low self esteem will suddenly not be fixed when money comes, no matter the abundance. If the low self esteem cannot be dealt with without money, having money would make it worse, though in a different dimension. The low self esteem present would only change position, moving from one state/phase to another. As a result, the individual would be taking decisions from a very wrong place on the inside, due to the low self esteem and the attempt to use money as a cover up.

One other thing I have learnt about phases, seasons and issues undealt with is that- nothing on earth can define you, especially in a way that would bring freedom and originality. As one of our guest writers- Adeteju Adeniran once said on the blog- our identity should not be tied to something ephemeral, but something eternal and of much greater value than anything that can be found on the earth, even ourselves (paraphrased). Once this is achieved comes contentment, as well as the will to face things as they come instead of procrastinating it and leaving it till another season as though the new season has automatic eraser in its bosom that would make it all go away without a single effort applied.

In the end, when it comes to life, especially things that happens on the inside, nothing goes on its own. Issues go because we deal with them, not because we procrastinate and leave them till another season. Any undealt with issue would only change form with a new season, and as a result, aggravate beyond what it was in the last season. As a result, let us deal with our issues, so we can enter each new level with freshness, wholeness and new might.

How do we deal with issues you ask me? God willing, it could form a topic for our next discussion.

See you next week by His Grace.

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Who Are Your Support Systems?

 “I think I am jinxed,'' I said, letting go of the torrent of tears that I had been holding back while commuting to her office. She looked so broken hearted as she told me “No, you are blessed and not cursed”. Life had dealt me a very hard blow, I was in a very bad place and I was down with severe malaria. She then decided not to let me go back to my apartment but go to hers and I was with her for a week.

We all go through the highs and lows of life, but we don’t have to do it in isolation. It’s a good feeling to know that you have people in your corner that can always be there for you through the highs and lows. We all need people who will speak life to us when others are echoing our pain.

I feel so blessed when my mum would check on me everyday despite her busy schedule. I think about my friend who is nursing an infant and will still ensure she checks up on me even though it’s very late in the night. Acts like this keep you going even when everything in your space is telling you to do otherwise. Friendships still multiply our joy and reduce our griefs.

Relationships are gifts, and we should not take them for granted. I feel so blessed each time I remember the wonderful people God has gifted me with. There are some blessings you get just because of the company you keep. We live in a very desensitized society and people no longer see the need to connect with people in their space. Think about this, if things really go wrong in your space, can you count two to three people that can be there for you through everything? If you can’t, you better get to work. Let me clear the air here, I am a staunch believer in people being responsible so this is not a write-up encouraging abdicating the responsibilities of one’s life to someone else. This is more like a call to understand that life should not be lived in isolation.

I have enjoyed the gift of very strong support systems in human form and I feel the need to share some tips:

1. Be truly concerned and show care for people in your space. He that must have friends must show himself friendly. Be that one friend that people can count on.
2. Give, give and give. Kindness makes a person’s face shine, this means that people become attracted to you. Everyone has something to give trust me, nothing is too small. I guess it is the thought that matters.
3. Understand that we are still humans and no one is perfect so give room for offences. Remember that everyone is fighting their own battles so they might not be there for you all the time. Avoid placing unrealistic expectations on humans, because you are one too.
4. Open your heart even though you might get hurt. People live in their own shells and prevent access just to avoid heartbreak and betrayals. Well I don’t believe that’s a way to live. I understand the need to regulate access because whoever has access has influence but this is not an excuse to lock up totally.

In closing, find your tribe and hold them dearly.  I pray that you find the right set of people to do life with.

Written by: Adeteju Adeniran

Photo Credits: Google Images

About the Author: Adeteju Adeniran is an internationally trained occupational health and safety professional. She loves to write on faith, hope, and lifestyle, getting her inspiration from the day to day occurrences around her.  She has an obsession with anything African print (lol). She resides in Lagos, Nigeria, where she is impacting her world, one kind deed after another.

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Letter To A Little Me

Dear little me,

How old are you now? 10? You are all giddy, full of life and of course full of hope. You see aunty Oreoluwa go to school and come back, so, you too want to go to school. You want to know what it is to attend a tertiary institution, leave home and live all by yourself. You also want to come back with new clothes and of course latest shoes. Above all, you want to be a graduate too, so you can wear that long gown and daddy and mummy can take a picture with you in it.

What do you know about life? Life is simple, life is fun, life is never complicated. Life is a progressive journey: you go to primary school; after primary school, you go to secondary school, and then university. You start working, get married and then become mummy and daddy yourself. What else could be more fun than that?

I know you have very high hopes about the future, but let me tell you something that’ll quite shock you. Life is full of detours and bends, but through it all, you have to know, that a bend in the road is never the end of the road. You have to press on and hard for what you believe in. Let me reveal a secret to you: at 29, you will not be married yet, but do not be alarmed and never lose hope. In due time, all things will work together for your good and the long road you’ve trod before now will be worth it in the end.

Let me shock you again. I know mummy is a lawyer and you want to be like her- you want to wear that wig and that flowing gown almost every day like her, but you will not become one. You will crave to be an actress and so follow the path. You will also study theatre arts in the university.

I know Uncle ‘Dasola told you about something called destiny. He told you in a very big and interesting way. According to him, destiny is what God has designed you to be; what you’ve been marked to be from the beginning of time. He told you no one can stop your destiny no matter what, hence that high fantasy you have about destiny. Well, listen to him, but here are some parts he failed to tell you; perhaps parts him too did not know at the time he was telling you. He was only fifteen, you know, and you are just ten:

Destiny requires a lot of work. Unlike what he said, it doesn’t just come. You’ll have to work real hard for it. Destiny is never a matter of “que sera sera, what will be will be”; destiny is you fighting with all you’ve got to get to where you believe and know you should be. Destiny is not a meal offered or served on a platter of gold, it is a sweet meal fought for and well deserved.

A whole lot of things counts in destiny. Things such as loyalty, integrity, the friends you keep and all. But let me tell you something interesting and of real value: treat people well. Handle people as gold; for in the end, you never know who a person will be and how in time and in future you would need their help.

Let nobody be small in your eyes, no matter what they are at the moment; even our current domestic help- Folasade; she will help you in a big way in the future. You remember ‘Sewa too?- The dirty girl at school who no one but you plays with? She’ll later become a big CEO, and she will be the one to make you up on your wedding day, come December.

Such is life, dear little me. Like I said earlier, it is full of detours. Beggars become princes and princes become beggars. Remember the Bewajis? That family that thinks they have it all in the street? The ones who don’t talk to anyone? Their business will later crumble. They will sell their house and move back to their village in shame. People would have helped them, but they will be too ashamed to ask for help – based on the way they treated people when they thought they had something.

You must never be proud at any stage in your life, no matter what you think you have, or the places you have been. Nothing in life is permanent, and if ever some things are permanent, it is our character and the way we handle seasons when they come that will determine if they remain permanent or not. If you have money and you do not handle it well, it will go; if you have it and handle it well, it will stay and even multiply.

In all, you need wisdom and faith in life to succeed. Wisdom gleaned from good books, and also that gleaned from the big historical book – the Bible – that book Mummy always forces you to read.

You will need to learn how to pray too; at different stages of your life, you will need prayers. And guess what? You have a friend that is ever close, a friend many years older than you but understands you perfectly. You really don’t know about Him now, but with time, the storms of life will reveal Him to you. You will later realise that He is all you have and all you will ever need. He is faithful and very loyal. That friend is God.

Hey little one, dreams do come true. It may take time, and perhaps not in the exact form you thought it would, but it will sure come true. Never lose hope, darling; hang on, even if on the thinnest of hopes. All things in the end will be well and worth it.

There is so much to say, and also many shocking stories about uncles and aunties to tell, but let me stop here for now. I love you dear little me; be strong for the woman you will become.

This article though written by the blogger, first appeared in Bella Naija, 25th August, 2017.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

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Lessons Life Has Taught Me So Far

Looking back at the life I lived as a teenager/young adult and seeing how much I held virtually everything so serious, all I can do is ‘feel sorry’ for myself, especially at the life I had unconsciously let slip past me by being that serious. I hardly could remember going for parties or functions (not that I go to parties/functions now, but then, my not going now is by choice, rather than the self-imposed rule it was in some ways at the time). I also can barely remember playing freely like every other teenager; for it was always me placing myself on one deadline or the other- books to read, things to apply for, and so on. But then, do I have a regret of living such life? Maybe no, but maybe I could have done things a little bit different by taking myself a bit less serious a couple of the times. It takes a bit of adulthood to know the difference between putting yourself in a box, and being actually disciplined and focused.

Having spent a few decades on earth, I have come to realize some things I never factored in even as I planned my life to the letter as a teenager. I have come to realize that some situations wouldn’t always be black and white as I’d imagined- some were meant to be grey, because they actually are. I have also come to realize that sometimes, especially as a passionate individual, it’s ok not to know what you are doing; it’s ok to try things out when you are not sure till eventually you find your space.

I’ve also realized that sometimes you lose control of the life you once thought you owned, and at such times when everything either seems to be happening at once, or nothing seems to be moving at all, it’s ok to surrender- to surrender to the One who made you and planned the life you would live in the first place. I have also come to realize, beyond what is being said which sometimes feels like a cliché, that really, the place of surrender is the most beautiful place, it is the very place where everything (buried) blooms.

Being a believer of God and His Words, entering into His rest as admonished in Hebrews 4, and ceasing from my own struggles (especially the struggle of how exactly I want my life to be), I have seen things unfold in ways I couldn’t have imagined if I had not let go. I have had things only God, and never myself could have given. In surrendering to God, especially in my troubled times, I have come to know who He is (on a personal note), as well as experience the things I never could have in my wildest imagination imagined.

No doubt, adulting comes with a lot of lessons, but then, letting go and gracefully choosing to live one day at a time would make sure you not only outlast your bad seasons, but that you also find courage and strength to deal with whatever you have to deal with per time, especially as an adult weaned of childhood fantasies by life, and made to face the reality of it, especially the uncontrollability of it to an extent.

Besides, reading Michelle’s book (Becoming), has taught me to take life easy; living one day at a time and giving my all to the day as it passes. It has also taught me that with the life we are living, our life’s story is being knitted together like a dough, with us going from phase to phase. It has taught me, especially through the life of her husband, as explained in the book that every single thing we have done/will do will lead to the ultimate end no matter how unimportant/insignificant it appears to be. For Barack Obama, her husband, his work the project VOTE!, which he did many years before becoming the president ended up being an advantage for him as he campaigned for his own presidency, while Michelle’s job at Public Allies (amidst other jobs) prepared her for the role destiny would later ‘throw’ at her- the First Lady role.

In ending this post, I would love to encourage us all to trust our processes, even when they appear so bleak; for in the end, with hardwork and authenticity, everything would make sense, and eventually work together for our good as promised if we faint not. The phase may seem hard and challenging now, but you never know how helpful it would be down the line, and how extremely sorry you would have been if you had not gone through it. Believe, trust the process and surrender, enjoying each moment as they come.

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What Exactly Is Love?

Love is patient, love is kind, love is this, love is that – these things are all easy to say. However, considering the negative things that happen even when we say we are in love, one cannot help but ask what love really is.

Growing up, I remember writing a very hateful letter to my dad once – the same daddy that I love as well. Sometimes, when our spouse does something we think is ‘annoying’ to us, at that moment, everything called love is thrown away, leaving us with resentment and sometimes, vengeance.

No doubt, there are many classifications of love, but asides the agape kind of love (which sometimes becomes incomprehensible), is there any other form of love that can be said to be unconditional? Is there love that does not change with feelings or deeds? Feelings in the sense of the emotions we have when they do something that goes down well with us, and deeds in the sense of their actions that are pleasing to us.

No doubt we love our parents and we love our partners as well, but, things tend to go wrong when they offend us. This can make us throw every teeny bit of love we have for them away at that instant and almost immediately, we replace these ‘feelings’ of ‘love’ with some form of coldness.

So is love a feeling, or a state of mind?

Some married couples, when asked if they love their spouse, replied that they do not know. This is shocking to me. I thought love was supposed to be the bedrock of every marriage! So if you do not know if you love your spouse or not, what then is the bedrock of your marriage? This, I usually ask myself, especially when I see couples who have lovingly been together for over 10 years, 20 years and more.

Is love based on the emotions of what one’s spouse does for one, or on the deep reality that this person is a good person and always means good for us? Is love actually a feeling that goes and comes, or one that stays and goes nowhere? Or perhaps an accumulation of all the good deeds only, leaving no space for the seemingly bad days?

For Temi, when asked if she loved her spouse, her reply was yes. When asked why and how she knows, a reply was not forthcoming. This made me wonder how love truly is between couples. A school of thought says that when you love your spouse, you love him or her for no reason (this may be why it was hard for Temi to explain why she loved her husband. For her, it was a feeling with a particular kind of depth and awareness that she could not explain).

Another school of thought says one way to know if you love your spouse is to examine the reasons why you are with him in the first place. In other words, the reasons why you are with him would show you if you love him or not. The question now is: if you are with him for reasons that can be classified as selfish in some ways, would you still say you love him? Let’s say you are solely with him for the comfort he gives, his soft-spoken nature, and the fact that he meets all your needs and beyond, would you still call that love? Considering that love has been said to involve some forms of service and not just what we can get or solely what suits us?

Because I have no firm answer to these questions – especially ‘categorical’ opinions about the various schools of thought involved in love and loving a person – I’ll push this to you: What really is love? Do you think true love is when we love with reason, or without reason?

I’ll be looking forward to reading your answers in the comment session.

This article though written by the blogger, first appeared in Bella Naija on the 10th of November 2019.

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